DIRTY LIMERICKS
The last time I dined with the King
He did a most curious thing.
He sat on a stool,
Took out his tool,
And said, "if I play will you sing?"
There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a cunt,
And was f****d by a dog in the hall.
There once was a man named Ray
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away
there was a young man from Spleen
who invented a w*****g machine
on the 99th stroke
the f*****g thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream
Here's to the girl named Louise
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees
the crabs came together,
and knitted a sweater
so in Winter her cunt would not freeze!
I know of a horny boy Matt
Who played with a vampire bat
With his dick in his hand
His voice did command
"Try sucking the blood out of that!"
My dorky ex-roommate Pierre
Once fell asleep in my chair
I pulled out my unit
Proceeded to tune it
And fired my load in his hair
There was an old woman from leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn`t for fame,
or love of the game
but to get at the cheese underneath.
There once was a girl from Nantucket.
Her boyfriend was about to up-chuck it.
she said with a grin,
wipe that c*m from your chin.
I told you it's my job to suck it!
Hickory dickory doc!
In ten seconds you'll be sucking my cock!
So think very quick!
As I whip out my dick!
Hickory dickory doc!
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
There was young man from Crete
Who could shoot across the street
A chemist named Kelly
Would bottle the jelly
And sell it as 'Extract of Meat'.
There was a young girl of the Azores
Whose cunt was covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers
There was a man named Moulder
who tried it to through a boulder
instead he tripped on a rock
and grasped his own cock
and threw himself over his shoulder.
There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond!
There once was a man named Bob
He loved to show off his nob
He flashed it at Dave
And rubbed it on Jay
Who sucked it like corn on the cob
There once was a woman named Jess
Bisexual, she would confess
She loved a good dick
but pussy she'd lick
and leave both a wet gooey mess
There once was a woman from Blight
Her speed was much faster than light
I can now say
I f****d her today
And she came sometime last night
A well-partied co-ed named Dawn,
when asked what conclusion she’d drawn,
Said, "I was having a ball...
But I just can’t recall
this tattoo... or where all my pubic hair’s gone!!"
There was once a man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He put it in the double
And instead of coming he went.
There once was a man from Bombay
who made a cunt out of clay
He stuck in his dick,
the thing turned to brick
and he scraped his foreskin away.
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who crossed the sea in a bucket,
And when she got there
They asked for a fare
So she pulled up her dress and said "f**k IT"
There once was a man named Sprockett
Who walked with his hand in his pocket
He was able to hide
What he was doing inside
Till he shot off like a Fourth of July rocket.
There once was a vampire named Mabel,
who's period was notoriously stable
So one night in June
she sat with a spoon
and drank herself under the table
There was a young man from Iraq,
Which had holes down the side of his cock,
His boyfriend Umberto,
could play the concerto,
by Johannes Sebastian Bach.
There was a young man from Marsailles,
Who lived on clap-juice and snails,
When he couldn't afford these,
He lived on the cheese,
He scraped from his cock with his nails.
I'm told of a Bishop of Birmingham,
Who buggered young boys while confirming them,
To roars of applause,
He tore down their drawers,
And pumped the episcable s***m in 'em.
There once was a lady from Nizus,
Who had breasts of two different sizes,
One was small,
and round like a ball
And the other was big and won prizes
Said a woman with open delight,
My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night.
A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
There was a young lady in France
Who hopped on a Bus in a Trance
Three passangers f****d her
Besides the conductor
And the Driver shot twice in his pants.
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He f****d with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
There once was a man from Marcasse
Who had balls fashioned of brass
When jangled together
They played 'Stormy Weather'
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Oh what the hell,
I'll get used to the smell.
And think of the money I'll save.
There once was a girl who couldn't shit,
Because she kept playing with 'er clit.
The doctor said 'stop!'.
So she pulled off her top,
And started to play with her tit!
There once was a girl from Belize
Who could put fruit in her cunt with ease
If you're drinking some tea
When she has to p*e
Just ask "Some lemon juice, please"
There was a man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could f**k it!
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding her bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from pokin'!!!
There was a goucho named Bruno
Who said, "about f*****g, I do know,.."
That women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
But llamas are numero uno!!!"
There was a young woman from Ealing
Who has a peculiar feeling,
She lay on her back
Opened her crack
And p****d all over the ceiling
There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
There once was a man from the cape
Who f****d a barbarian ape
The ape said you fool
You f****d up my tool
And put all my arse out of shape
There was a young man from Spartar,
Who was an incredible farter.
At the strength of one bean,
He could play "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Senata".
The selection was tough, I admit.
He didn't stutter one little bit.
He threw his arse aloft,
And he suddenly coughed.
And collapsed in a shower of shit!
The Duchess when pouring the tea,
Asked "Do you fart when you p*e?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I think that was one up to me
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's OK, but the mole's ill.
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of e******n --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her v****a with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
While bathing a student named Hume
Read a novel called "Sex in the Gloom",
On arriving the dope,
Skidded once on some soap
And pole-vaulted right out of the room.
There once was a lady named Flo
Whose lava had poured out too slow,
So they tried it all night,
Till they got it just right,
Well practice makes pregnant you know.
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they p****d with
Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a n****e a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
There was a lady from University
Who was the sole of perversity
She was into candles
And all manner of scandals
And sexual positions in diversity
There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tatooed in braille
Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her v****a
In North Carolina,
And part of her a**s in Dallas.
There was a young girl of Dumfries
Who said to her boyfriend 'Oh, please,
It will give me great bliss
If you play more with THIS
And give less attention to THESE.'
There once was a lass from Wilts
She came walking into Scotland upon stilts
They said "Madam it's shocking
You reveal so much stocking"
She said "Yea, well how about those kilts?"
There was a young woman of Sydney
Who could take it clear up to the kidney
But the thrust of Alphonse
Barely reached to her mons
So he left her unsatisfied didn't he?
On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of t**s and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the p****s who were fuckin' 'em
There once was a Senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass
He lucked up and found it
But f****d up and drowned it
And now his future is past
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
The bribe that young streetwalker Stover
Employs as a sexual rover
Is-to hand-job police.
As she gives one release,
She will giggle, "My cop runneth over!"
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman's can.
There once was a woman from Arden
Who was seen sucking a man in the garden
Her mother said, "Flo,
Where does it all go??
And she said, "Gulp, Beg your pardon?"
A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her a hon'rable discharge.
A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
Had achieved some renown
For her tone going down -
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn't he.
A young redneck lay with his sister
And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
But the kid was so tight,
And it was deep night --
Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
Answered By: http://www.imsa.edu is my school - 4/16/2006 |