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Can someone help me improve this paper. It's my first draft for my college prep class.?

How will you achieve academic and personal success at *******? My first real experience with children was at a young age. When I was just two years old I followed my mom around the house, begging her to let me help take care of my new baby sister. A year later, I did the same thing with my other baby sister. My mom still says how unusual I acted with my baby dolls. Unlike most children, I was less interested in pretending they were my babies, but more interested in teaching them to do whatever I was learning. At age 3 it was coloring in the lines and cutting out circles. And attempting to teach them how to play baseball as my T-ball coaches taught me proved difficult for a six year old. I loved carrying my baby dolls around and telling them how to do things. As the oldest child, I matured faster than most children. I started babysitting in 5th grade for close family friends and cousins. As an 11 year old I enjoyed time with children who would listen to me (my sisters grew tired of listening to me tell them what to do). It was not long after my babysitting career began that my 5th grade class had a career day. Up until that time, I never thought much about growing up, but when my teacher asked me what I liked to do in my free time, she suggested teaching. It was the obvious suggestion of course, half the girls in the class stated they wanted to be teachers as well. Years passed and other girl’s dreams of becoming teachers turned into professional sports players or fashion designers, but my 6th grade career goal remained. When I was 15 years old I acquired my first real summer job. I became a t-ball coach; I worked with children from the ages of four to six. My parents worried I would become overwhelmed and dislike the idea of teaching, but little did they know, I loved it! The difference I noticed in the kids drove me wild! In the beginning of the year some of them could hardly throw a ball, and at the end of the season not only were they playing catch with each other, they were having fun! I helped them to obtain a new skill that they enjoyed, and I saw them grow over the weeks. It was the most sensational feeling, I felt as though I had really accomplished something. A year later I became a camp counselor as well. I spent my entire summer helping kids grow, I planned activities and made sure they were safe. I felt like a real teacher. Now, seventeen and applying to college, I hear the question a lot. “Do you know what you want to go into?” Most of my friends have no idea, but I love to be able to answer, “Yes! I want to go into education; I’m going to become a teacher!” I’ve dedicated my whole life to becoming a teacher, I’m determined. I hope ******* will be able to aid me along the way. I’m not sure what age group I want to get involved with, but I know from experience I can work well with any age group. ETC ETC (I’m terrible with endings) I know I didn’t really talk about the personal success and whatnot, but I wanted to get this down first and then I’ll add those details in. I also want to incorporate the following, do you think I should, or would that be too much? Parents never went to college; I’ll be the first in my family ******* is a beautiful place Many people I know loved it Right school for me

Asked By: DJKam - 7/18/2007
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I think it's too self-aggrandizing. Of course, the whole point of the topic is to make yourself look interesting and full of potential, but rambling on about how you liked to teach your little sisters and working as a t-ball coach is sort of irrelevant to how you are going to succeed in college, as well as cliché... More
Answered By: Carolyn - 7/18/2007
Additional Answers (1)
you answer the essay question in a creative way by giving a mini-autobiography, that's cool. just be careful that you actually answer the question of "how" because after taking your first two paragraphs, I cannot really conclude yet how you plan to succeed at your college. But you are off to a good start! And you can... More
Answered By: seakitty - 7/18/2007
 
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