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Could you please check for grammatical errors in this small essay.?

Http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dfnk6848_4hd7f4b

thats the link to it its a descriptive essay about walmart which is sarcasticly my favorite place I would appreciate any help my teacher says its okay to get others to look over it so this isn't cheating. Thanks
barrett
note the link is dynamic i am changing the essay as i get revision help so dont get confused when people have written about errors that are non existent because I probally revised them

Asked By: Barrett R - 10/22/2007
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
For the first sentence, "My favorite place is Wal-mart because it has a little bit of everything there."
--->You could just delete "there" at the end of the sentence because you already identified Walmart with "it".

For the second sentence, "If I wanted to buy milk, a music CD, and a turkey call, I think Wal-mart would be the only place I could get all of these things in one stop.
---->You should say "if I want" not "if I wanted" because it's not something in your past. You should also remove "I think" because it implies an unsure attitude. I would rewrite the sentence and say "If I want to buy milk, a music CD, and a turkey call. Wal-Mart would be the best place to pick up those things in one stop".


Third sentence: "This makes Wal-mart very convenient."
-No mistakes

Fourth sentence: "Wal-mart has a deli that is a great place to eat some savory barbecue chicken as well."
-No mistakes

Fifth sentence: "The clothing section offers sporty T-shirts at a price second to none.
-No mistakes

Sixth sentence: "I think Wal-mart is one of the best places to go for home entertainment."
-No mistakes

Seventh sentence: "Why go to other places to shop when you can get a sharp new TV for half the price at Wal-mart?"
-No mistakes

Eighth sentence: "When going to Wal-mart the first thing I notice is the cold feeling of the air conditioning."
---> You could replace "cold feeling" with "coolness" (it seems like it would fit better).

Ninth sentence: "The uniformity and cleanliness of every store adds to the overall atmosphere of them."
--> You could just say "The uniformity and cleanliness of every store adds to the overall atmosphere".


Tenth sentence: " I think one of the things I like most about Wal-mart is that every store is the same."
-->No mistakes

Eleventh sentence: "I could go to Canada and feel like I'm in Winnsboro."
--->No mistakes

Twelfth sentence: "The convenient self-serve food court also makes me feel at home."
-->No mistakes

Thirteenth sentence: "I can go grab a smooth cold Icee and pay on my own instead of waiting in line behind someone with thirty random items."
-->No mistakes

Fourteenth sentence: "I've had many great memorable experiences at Wal-mart."
--->No mistakes

Fifteenth sentence: "Wal-mart is a good fresh place to shop and a large spacious place hang out."
-->You should just say "Wal-mart is a good place to shop and even has a large spacious place to hang out".

Sixteenth sentence: "The world wouldn't be the same if there weren't any Wal-marts."
--->No mistakes.

Seventeenth sentence: "Wal-mart has benefited the economy and has given people jobs with wonderful, superb benefits."
--->No mistakes. (Great sentence!)

Eighteenth sentence: "Sure Wal-mart has moved to smaller towns and caused most of the small businesses to go bankrupt, but despite of all this I believe that Wal-mart is the favorite place of many."
--->No mistakes. (Another well-written sentence!)

Nineteenth sentence: "There sure is no place like Wal-mart."
---> No mistakes. (Good sentence to finish off the essay.)


Also, like the other poster said, maybe you could replace "Wal-Mart" with "it" or "the store" so there's more variety and it's not too repetitive.

For example, in the first few sentences, instead of saying: "This makes Wal-mart very convenient. Wal-mart has a deli that is a great place to eat some savory barbecue chicken as well. The clothing section offers sporty T-shirts at a price second to none. I think Wal-mart is one of the best places to go for home entertainment."
--->Instead, you could say "This makes the store very convenient. ......."I think it is one of the best places to go for home entertainment"...etc.


However, I think overall, you did a great job with your essay. There are only a few minor errors, but other than that, you got your point through to the reader very well. Good job :)
Answered By: ▐▀▀▼▀▀▌ ►Jαcкιє◄ ▐▄▄▲▄▄▌ - 10/23/2007
Additional Answers ()
There are 29 gramatical errors in the essay
Answered By: . - 10/22/2007
It needs to be edited.
Answered By: rusty - 10/22/2007
Se things in one stop. Because of this Walmart
Make this one sentence and combine the first sentence with the second
Good Luck!♥
Answered By: Amber - 10/22/2007
I suggest using the word Wal-Mart less. The last sentence in the first paragraph should have a question mark at the end. Other than that, it's a great paper. I liked it.
Answered By: Jonas Brothers Lover - 10/22/2007
My favorite place is Walmart. Walmart is my favorite place because it has a little bit of everything there.

your not suppose to repeat yourself the first sentence is useless. just get rid of that very first sentence.



actually most of this is useless you need more information and less words. yes we know the prices are low, and they have quite a bit of things but why else is it your favorite and which one do you go to the most? discribe which walmart is your favorite and why and you should also look up walmarts history. put as many details color, smells, etc. also you should talk about your bigest memories there did anything exciting ever happen there? maybe you want to work there? but why? see more info and less words is the better way to go.
Answered By: seven11grll - 10/22/2007
Too many Walmarts! Hope you get an A+!!
Answered By: Abzterz likes cows! - 10/22/2007
Things i know:
at the end were it says "their" it SHOULD be there.. their is ownership

things i am PRETTY sure:
there should be a comma after turky call
and
because of this

SOME TEACHERS:
get pretty mad if you start a sentence with because or and.. you did because but its prob. not a big deal

HOPE I HELPED
Answered By: Andrea - 10/22/2007
Wal-mart is a hyphenated word. There needs to be a comma after "turkey call." "D" in deli needs to lower case.

I would change the sentence "The world wouldn't be the same if their were no Walmarts." to "The world wouldn't be the same if their weren't any Walmarts."

Since you have more than one adjective, there needs to be a comma between "wonderful, superb benefits."

And the very last Wal-mart in the essay needs to be capitalized. Besides that, great essay!
Answered By: lvs2dance280 - 10/22/2007
My favorite place is Walmart. Walmart is my favorite place because it has a little bit of everything there. If I wanted to buy milk, a music CD, and a turkey-call I think Walmart would be the only place I could get all of these things in one stop. Because of this, Walmart is very convenient.

Walmart has a Deli that is a great place to eat some savory barbecue chicken as well. The clothing section offers sporty T-shirts at a price second to none. I think Walmart is one of the best places to go for home entertainment. Why go to other places to shop when you can get a sharp new TV for half the price at Walmart?

When going to Walmart the first thing I notice is the cold feeling of the air conditioning. The uniformity and cleanliness of every store adds to the overall atmosphere of them. I think one of the things I like most about Walmart is that every store is the same. I could go to Canada and feel like I'm in Winnsboro. The convenient self-serve food court also makes me feel at home. I can go grab a smooth cold Icee and pay on my own instead of waiting in line behind someone with thirty random items.

Walmart is a good fresh place to shop and to hang out. The world wouldn't be the same if there were no Walmarts. Walmart has benefited economy and has given people jobs with wonderful, superb benefits. Walmart is a great place and is one of my favorite. Sure, Walmart has moved to smaller towns and caused most of the small businesses to go bankrupt, but because of all this I believe that Walmart is the favorite place of many. There is no place like Walmart.


( Just added a couple of commas, places to paragraph etc. )
Answered By: Mickey Lindsay - 10/22/2007
Third paragraph, first line ~ 'their' should be ' there'
I don't thinki can spot anything else.
Well written.

You have just sold me Walmart !! lol
Answered By: Giselle - 10/22/2007
-try writing walmart less .
-don't have a comma before after i think (it doesn't fit)
-on the last sentence walmart should have a capital letter.
-their should be there

... try to link your ideas ... they jump around alot.. and also try putting in complex and compund sentences (because your sentences are toooo long and they should be broken up)

i like your writing ... its funnier than the stuff i write
Answered By: Kirsten __ x - 10/22/2007
Here, I fixed a few sentences and worked on spelling:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My favorite place is Walmart because it has a little bit of everything there. If I wanted to buy milk, a music CD, and a turkey call, I think Walmart would be the only place I could get all of these things in one stop. Because of this Walmart is very convenient. Walmart also has a Deli that is a great place to eat some savory barbecue chicken as well. The clothing section offers sporty T-shirts at a price second to none. I think Walmart is one of the best places to go for home entertainment. Why go to other places to shop when you can get a sharp new TV for half the price at Walmart?

When going to Walmart the first thing I notice is the cold feeling of the air conditioning. The uniformity and cleanliness of every store adds to the overall atmosphere of them. I think one of the things I like most about Walmart is that every store is the same. I could go to Canada and feel like I'm in Winnsboro. The convenient self-serve food court also makes me feel at home. I can go grab a smooth cold Icee and pay on my own instead of waiting in line behind someone with thirty random items.

Walmart is a good fresh place to shop and to hang out. The world wouldn't be the same if there were no Walmarts. Walmart has benefited economy and has given people jobs with wonderful superb benefits. Walmart is a great place and is one of my favorites. Sure, Walmart has moved to smaller towns and caused most of the small businesses to go bankrupt, but because of all this I believe that Walmart is the favorite place of many. There is no place like Walmart.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overall, one way you could improve it is by changing sentence fluency/structure around a bit. Your essay somewhat loses focus too, so be sure to state exactly which things you like about Wal-Mart in the introduction so people know what you will talk about. (i.e. I like Wal-Mart because of its atmosphere, familiarity, etc) Also, after you talk about the POSITIVES of Wal-Mart, it doesn't really make sense end your essay with the NEGATIVES like, "Sure, Walmart has moved to smaller towns and caused most of the small businesses to go backrupt..."

Keep these in mind and your essay will be great!
Source(s):
Writing Experience
Answered By: Sprinkles - 10/22/2007
My favorite store is 'Walmart', because it has just about everything there. If I wanted to buy milk, a music CD, and a turkey call, I believe that a 'Walmart' store is the only place to go to get all of these things in one stop.

Because of this, 'Walmart' is very convenient. There's also a Deli that's a great place to have some savory barbecue chicken.
The clothing section offers sporty T-shirts at a price second to none. 'Walmart' is a great place for home entertainment equipment too. Why go elsewhere to shop when you can get a sharp new TV for half the price at 'Walmart'?.

When entering a 'Walmart' store, the first thing I notice is the coolness from the air conditioning system and the uniformity and cleanliness of every store adds to their overall, pleasant atmosphere.
I think that one of the things I like most about 'Walmart', is that every store is the same. I could go to Canada and feel like I'm in Winnsboro. The convenient self-serve food court also makes me feel at home. I can go and grab a smooth cold Icee and pay on my own instead of waiting in line behind someone with a cart full of purchases.

'Walmart' is a good fresh place to shop and to hang out. The world wouldn't be the same if there were no Walmarts. They have helped the economy and have provided people with jobs having superb benefits. They're great places and definitely one of my favorites.
Sure, 'Walmart' has moved to smaller towns and caused many small businesses to go bankrupt but, despite this, I believe that 'Walmart' is a favorite place to shop for many people.

There's NO place like "Walmart".....
Source(s):
I'm English and I deal a lot in Technical Writing.
Answered By: Norrie - 10/22/2007
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I received the following email from these guys: "Hello, my name is Susan Collins and I am Personnel Manager of Audit Sales Company Inc. and will be your supervisor. Thanks for sending us your job application. We'd love to bring you on board. The reason for this email is to touch base with you as a potential candidate for the position we are currently looking to fill (Audit Sales Representative). You replied to our online job posting and I would like to take a moment to familiarize you with who we are. Audit Sales is the worldwide leader in temporary financial staffing, providing excellent opportunities in the areas of accounting, bookkeeping, credit and collections, data entry, finance, payroll, audit and tax. Our relationships with top companies ensure that our employees enjoy competitive pay, and dynamic and ongoing assignments with the best opportunities for temporary and temporary-to-full-time employment. Since opening our doors in 1990 we are recognized as a top performing firm for the Midwest region and have expanded all over USA, Canada and Europe. Future goals include expanding offices to multiple markets across the country. Having gained operational experience in Intern Audit Inc., I recommend all new employees to treat seriously every small detail they may encounter in the course of their work. You have a real chance to obtain quick promotion in the nearest future if our management is satisfied with your job results. Audit Sales Representative is an entry level position that involves transfer of funds from Audit Sales to our client's via Representative's account, consequently eliminating any transfer holds. We don't require any previous experience for this job. We are looking for a trustworthy person to process payments sent from AuditSales.bz to our clients. We will provide an Representative with detailed instructions for payment processing operations including invoices, contracts and all documents regarding current sale. Funds that are deposited into your account comes directly from our company and the funds are sent via instant money transfer service within the USA ( bank wire transfer). You will always be aware exactly where the money is coming from and where it is going. For additional security we provide Invoices and contracts for all transactions completed. We offer a couple types of compensation packages: either performance based pay or base salary plus commission. Of course, details are discussed during your trial period (3 months). When funds enter employee's bank account, Wire Transfer Representative's duty is to withdraw cash and process the funds. The main advantage of our services is the shortest possible time within which the client can receive money for the services/goods. If this operation is delayed, our clients are entitled to cancel their contract with us and we suffer financial loss. Therefore, successful applicant must be very responsible and careful! Our company can guarantee $2,500 base salary + 5?ommission for every transaction done. Working with our company guarantee's you a safe relationship and licensed establishment. If you would like to apply to this vacancy and inquire more detailed information, please fill out our online job application via our secure website: http://www.AuditSales.bz/index.php?action=login BEFORE YOU APPLY PLEASE REVIEW THE FULL JOB DESCRIPTION. We'd like to get started as soon as possible, so please complete the online application today. You will also need to take an online interview when applying for this job opening. If you have any questions/issues please replay to this email. -- Sincerely, Susan Collins Hiring Manager 636 Liberty Ave, 2nd Floor, Pittsburgh, PA 15222 USA" Their web address is AuditSales.bz I have not been able to find anything out about these guys, so I'm thinking that is red flag number one right off the bat.... But has anyone encountered these guys before? Wayne Z - I tried doing a domain search and had no luck, although I didn't exactly give it a thorough attempt.. You have confirmed what I needed to know. Kittysue - The funny thing is I never even sent them my resume! I responded to the posting on Craigslist asking for more information about the company/position and I got that in return, but I gave them absolutely no other information. The whole thing threw up so many red flags.
3 answers - Asked By: Fratty Rower - 5/20/2013
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