Waiting for the other shoe to drop?
All weekend I have felt in my gut that something wasn't right. Everything was going so well. My partner of three years was finally on track. Starting a great job on Monday (today) that is going to get us where we want to be. Bradley is doing wonderfully, a happy healthy little boy. My company is in the process of buying the my contract to hire me permanently. But for some reason I couldn't sleep. Seems like everytime things are going so well something comes along to ruin it. Turn it all to sh*t. Every single freakin time. Every time. I spend my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop and having everyone around me tell me to stop doing this, just relax, enjoy life. But history has always proven me right, that other shoes ALWAYS drops. And guess what? It did this morning. My whole world came crashing down again. Instead of getting hired I got fired. Long story, who cares about the details, point is I just can't win. Am I alone in this theory?
"Funny" thing--I was looking at other questions like this one and I asked this same question 9 months ago today.
I loved my job. I loved the hours. I loved the people. It was the first time in my life I felt happy, content, comfortable with my job. I was so proud when they said they wanted to hire me permanently. I was so humiliated and heart broken when they let me go this morning. I did not bring this about with negative thoughts. This was inevitable because of vindictive people in my life. I will say no more about it.. I don't know how to begin looking for a new job logistically with daycare. I'm so lost.
Ruby's mom: Thank you. You are right on many, many levels. I think the reason I was/am so heartbroken and in tears is because this worked out so perfectly and allowed me to so much time with my baby. Thinking about looking for another job I know the possibility of finding another 20 hour job such as the one I just had will be very difficult and more than likely a full time job is more realistic and easier to come by. THAT more than anything breaks my heart. Bradley's father seems to think I should just pull him from daycare and stay home full time. A one income family scares me even if we could make it easily. Too much to take in at one time...
LOL: Rain---thank you, for the laugh, you are right, the company troll is out of my life forever. :) there IS a silver lining.
Asked By: Mynameis - 7/28/2008
Ugh. i am sorry. before i say anything else: i know you have had a total crap year -- the car accident, the struggles with b's dad/money, all of it. crappy, for sure.
that said: there is a certain amount of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. i say that without judgement and condescension, but with empathy because that -- the pessimism, the assumption that good can't last -- is a huge part of my personality/psyche, too. but i have to say, really, it does start to fulfill itself when you really buy into it. what resonates for me in this post is the line "who cares about the details, point is i just can't win" (not to pull an uber/obber and quote you back to yourself. HA), that line is really the most important one in this whole thing, because, actually, the details DO count. you SHOULD care about the details. (i know you were just making a long story short, but bear with me here.) the details can be spun in your own mind to make each individual situation either an episodic occurence OR an hugely definitive event. in other words, every bad occurence is not really evidence of the fact that you "can't win," but the classification of the events as such perpetuates the despair. is this making sense? let me change gears a bit. i hate HATE HATE when people say things like "oh, it could be worse" or "people would kill to have a healthy child." yeah, yeah, that's all true, but everything really IS relative. you can't define your happiness and unhappiness agains other people. someone else always has it worse, sure, but someone else always has it better, too. so, by that logic, you shouldn't ever feel happy, either. anyway, my point is that what i am about to say is NOT another way of saying all that. but: you have a healthy, brilliant child. so you are doing something very right. all of these other things -- and i know they are one after the other -- they are, unfortunately, the things that happen when one lives on chances the way you are. taking a chance with a man who has made many missteps...taking the chance on a less stable job in order to be with your baby more...etc. these are GOOD chances to take, and they have all, really been mostly about bradley, i think. but they are chances nonetheless, and they will bring with them the inevitable dropping shoes. so all you can really do is decide how you are going to define and process all of this stuff. instead of thinking of dropping shoes, think of the brave choice you have made to live your life the way you have, making sacrifices --effectively, 90?f the time -- to raise a happy child. in the meantime, you really need to find a way to have small pockets of time about you and what makes you happy. use those in laws next time for you -- whatever that means.
i am going on way too long. i am really sorry about the job. but i know that you are not destined for failure and misery -- quite the opposite. change your paradigm, and the events will change along with you, i promise.
hang in there, momma. i feel you.
edit: ohhh, i don't think you brought this on with negative thoughts -- or any thoughts. i don't think you bring any of this on, not at all. by self-fulfilling i mean after the fact, how one makes sense of the disappointments. i am really sorry about the vindictive people -- i know allllll about those situations. they suck. hard.
edit #2: well, you know, his dad may have a point. i guess it depends on how much daycare costs. but you save a lot of money staying home -- on top of not paying for daycare and gas to and from daycare and work, there are so many other small ways that you save. it is just so much easier to manage the household and save money. plus, if you could do so without adding stress (money or feelings of inequity with b's dad), you would be so much happier, i bet. you are SAHM material, for sure. (it's not for everyone.) god, i really feel so much for you right now. "lost" is horrible. i feel that for you, i really do. it won't feel like this tomorrow, though, really. like you said: it's so much to take in right now. i don't know what your job is, so i can't make any practical suggestions, but i know you are made of some serious chops, so this will be nothing but a small bump once you get your bearings.
Answered By: ruby's mom - 7/28/2008