Bf’s immaturity: Cultural difference or a real problem?

	Bf’s immaturity: Cultural difference or a real problem? My bf’s 30, American, an associate attorney. I am Chinese, 29, entry level consultant. We've been dating for 3 years and we are really close. He’s been living with him Mom. He told me that he is thinking about spend the rest of his life with me. We just signed an apartment lease for a yr and are moving in together next week. But things he’s been doing just keep telling me he is immature. His income after tax is 40K per year, but he spent 10K last year on his teeth procedures, didn’t bother to look for a dental insurance plan. I asked him to get a dental plan. It’s been two weeks and he hasn’t done it yet. He always says ”I will do research tomorrow.” I don’t want to see him spending another 5K on a cavity--he could use that money to buy me a ring. He’s been looking for his dream job for 3 years, which requires a career change. He's only got 2 interviews, and is still looking. I told him that he is being unrealistic. If he really wants to change career, he should go back to school and recharge himself with a degree required by his dream job. He told me “I will shine.” He is always keeping an eye on TV when he works on his resume, and always waits till the last day to submit job application. I thought because he’s been living with his mom so he had no pressure of supporting himself and a family, that’s why he didn’t have the urgency to look for jobs or manage his finance more responsibly. But now we just signed a lease, he has little money in checking account, and 9K credit card debt. We calculated his income and debt and realize if he doesn’t want to pay high interest, there are only 8 months left for him to pay off this debt. Even though currently I am making half of what he’s making, I have no debt, and have a few thousand $$ in checking. So I just gave him $2K in cash to lower his credit card debt, and I gave landlord $3K for rent security deposit and first month rent. He said he will pay me back later and pay his share of rent after the first month. May be I am too naïve- I thought with a monthly big payment of rent coming, he will have some pressure and treat his life seriously. I am wrong, because he just told me today is the deadline of a job application so he needs to work on his resume tonight- he spent last night watching football game on TV with his friends. I can’t believe this. Some ppl asked: if your bf has so many problems, why are you still with him? Well, he is nonsmoker, nonalcoholic, sweet and cute, doesn’t go to bars, no complicated relationship history, generous to his friends and family, homeboy, supporting Obama… Maybe these are common among guys, but I’ve been dating him only for the last three 3 yrs, and one before him. I don’t know if most guys have the same good traits. So, is this a culture difference? Some Americans told me: “You guys are not married yet. That’s his life, his money, none of your business. “ But to me, if two people are thinking about spending rest of their lives together, aren’t they supposed to be thinking about the near future seriously and financially? Asked By: polly2140 - 9/5/2008

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To me it sounds like you guys are one good couple... maybe if you two spoke to a third party more experienced about money would help you guys, but relationship wise u guys are doing good. you have to remember, men will always be men, that means dont disturb him when a football game is on, but he does have to be responsible if you two are now living together.. but i dont know of any dude that spends 10k's on teeth w*f?.... Answered By: vxxxxx - 9/5/2008

Additional Answers ()

Seems like your guy is moving on from one mom to another. he must feel like the luckiest guy ever! Answered By: yaknow2 - 9/5/2008

You see what he's like. It's up to you to stay or go. Personally, I think if he wants to spend his wages on his teeth instead of "your" ring, that's up to him. (Honestly, it'll look better to have a man with nice teeth than it will to have a nice ring.) As long as he pays his share of the rent and bills, the rest is up to him. If you don't like his lifestyle you might be in a relationship with the wrong person. Answered By: Kristin R - 9/5/2008

I am quite in a hurry but to make long story short: if you do love him you will accept him as he is and will support him in whatever his decision is. Answered By: Daemian B - 9/5/2008

Be careful of this guy. He will drain your bank account before you can blink an eye. He doesn't seem to be very ambitious, so hell may freeze over before he ever gets around to paying you back. He seems to like the credit cards. You will pay them off, he will run the bill back up. Don't marry this man until he gets his life in order or you will be miserable. Don't put your name on anything that he buys or you will be responsible for the bill and that is no good. He ran those bills up, let him pay them. Answered By: . - 9/5/2008

Well after reading Paragraph 2 and seeing hes 40k a year and still living with mom shows me hes a mooch, a person that only cares about himself, and has yet to even grow up.. he could afford a 2bed 1-1 1/2 bath with garage home on that income... but hes putting himself and his wants first, and it seems your not on his list... I think you found the typical American loser... there's many of them, but this ones unique, we may have to contact the historical society Answered By: J - 9/5/2008

You not only have to think about the near and distant future seriously before you're married, but also if you only thinking of starting a relationship. Your b/f's behavior is a HUGE red flag.......at age 30 he should have been past irresponsible financial history....but perhaps living with mom might be the culprit here....was he waited on hand and foot? Had all his problems cleaned up by his parents? It certainly sounds like it if he's still at this. To add fat to the fire, you've come along and picked up where she's left off by paying down his credit card and making the deposit on the lease. Hun, I'd take a couple of days to yourself and think long and hard about this....trust me, love quickly flies out the window when the financial crunch happens....and with his financial attitude, it's almost guaranteed to come. No this isn't cultral, it's emotional AND financial. You're very smart to even question it.....you're not betraying him by questioning the possibility of financial hardship or ruin. You're simply looking out for your best interests as well as his....if he isn't participating the way you are it's guaranteed to cause terrible problems later.....terrible problems that will cost you financially and emotionally later. If in your shoes I would move into the apartment alone and tell him that once he can prove to you that he's responsible in ALL areas of his life then he can move in at that time. There are PLENTY of men as you described out there that are financially responsible.....and also wouldn't put this kind of stress and worry on you if they really cared. Step back from this, I think your gut instinct as well as your financial savvy is waving that red flag in front of your face for a reason......much luck with this....hope it works out well for both of you! :) Answered By: Justlookin - 9/5/2008

I think I would agree with you when you say that two people planning on spending the rest of their lives together should be thinking about the future together. And, yes, finances can play a large role in the quality of that future, and so should also be considered seriously. It is increasingly common in American culture for a couple to live together and operate as if they were essentially married long before officially "tying the knot." It is also not uncommon today for younger men and women to continue living with their parents longer than would their counterparts even a generation ago -- on average it takes longer to get through school and get a "good job" today than it did in years past. And these facts can contribute to some real issues when dealing with money. You're right -- living with parents (while usually a good way to save a little money) is not always a good way to encourage responsibility. Having thousands of dollars of credit card debt is not responsible -- this type of spending is often an example of an immature inablility to delay gratification until adequate funds are available. Responsibility -- at least in some senses of the word -- seems to come, as almost a cultural standard, later in life in America than I feel it does in China. The truth is, however, that you're NOT married. Your boy of choice DOES have credit card debt. He DOESN'T feel pressure enough to change jobs yet, and, frankly, maybe he's perfectly happy with the one he does have and is simply making a show of searching for your sake. (Sometimes the jobs that make people happy aren't always the ones that make the most money.) Guys DO have their "guy" friends, and their "guy" pastimes which frequently take priority over "responsibility." A lifelong commitment to a girl is something that a guy must take step by step, as I'm sure you'll become much more than simply a roommate. He can't be expected to sacrifice all his happiness on the way to that goal, or he won't be much fun when you guys get there. It sounds like you're putting a lot of emphasis on the financial matters of the relationship. It sounds like your BF is not. You listed a great many other qualities about him that make him seem quite mature, so maybe the financial end of his life is simply the area he has taken the longest to "grow up" in. If you are as close as you imply, this issue should be discussed as frequently, openly, honestly, and kindly as you feel it necessary. There is no reason that a "good guy" would selfishly shrug off your concerns, nor turn down your good-intentioned suggestions to better himself and your life together. If he refuses to talk, take the warning signs and reconsider your relationship moves. That said, American culture has also slowly moved away from the mentality which dictates that a man is the sole breadwinner of the household. With no offense intended, a jobless "homemaker" wife is increasingly rare, so if you have financial concerns there is nothing stopping you from seeking a higher paying job, either. As for me, I say that you should be responsible, but HAVE FUN. You're young. Americans will have an average of 5 different careers over their lifetime. Don't force yourselves to settle on any just yet. Keep your eyes and your minds open, ditch the credit card, and focus on LOVING one another and making your bonds stronger. A deep love and understanding of one another will help you get through hardships, be they financial or otherwise. While I'm not all that fond of the advice-ertisement, if he's into books, have your BF read the book "Total Money Makeover" by a fella named Dave Ramsey (you should too!). He offers real-life solutions to common money issues and can help make you debt-free so the rest of your life you can focus less on money and more on the thing that matter the most - your family and your life together. Good luck! Answered By: ayahuaskat - 9/5/2008

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