Bf’s immaturity: Cultural difference or a real problem?
My bf’s 30, American, an associate attorney. I am Chinese, 29, entry level consultant. We've been dating for 3 years and we are really close. He’s been living with him Mom. He told me that he is thinking about spend the rest of his life with me. We just signed an apartment lease for a yr and are moving in together next week. But things he’s been doing just keep telling me he is immature. His income after tax is 40K per year, but he spent 10K last year on his teeth procedures, didn’t bother to look for a dental insurance plan. I asked him to get a dental plan. It’s been two weeks and he hasn’t done it yet. He always says ”I will do research tomorrow.” I don’t want to see him spending another 5K on a cavity--he could use that money to buy me a ring. He’s been looking for his dream job for 3 years, which requires a career change. He's only got 2 interviews, and is still looking. I told him that he is being unrealistic. If he really wants to change career, he should go back to school and recharge himself with a degree required by his dream job. He told me “I will shine.” He is always keeping an eye on TV when he works on his resume, and always waits till the last day to submit job application. I thought because he’s been living with his mom so he had no pressure of supporting himself and a family, that’s why he didn’t have the urgency to look for jobs or manage his finance more responsibly. But now we just signed a lease, he has little money in checking account, and 9K credit card debt. We calculated his income and debt and realize if he doesn’t want to pay high interest, there are only 8 months left for him to pay off this debt. Even though currently I am making half of what he’s making, I have no debt, and have a few thousand $$ in checking. So I just gave him $2K in cash to lower his credit card debt, and I gave landlord $3K for rent security deposit and first month rent. He said he will pay me back later and pay his share of rent after the first month. May be I am too naïve- I thought with a monthly big payment of rent coming, he will have some pressure and treat his life seriously. I am wrong, because he just told me today is the deadline of a job application so he needs to work on his resume tonight- he spent last night watching football game on TV with his friends. I can’t believe this. Some ppl asked: if your bf has so many problems, why are you still with him? Well, he is nonsmoker, nonalcoholic, sweet and cute, doesn’t go to bars, no complicated relationship history, generous to his friends and family, homeboy, supporting Obama… Maybe these are common among guys, but I’ve been dating him only for the last three 3 yrs, and one before him. I don’t know if most guys have the same good traits. So, is this a culture difference? Some Americans told me: “You guys are not married yet. That’s his life, his money, none of your business. “ But to me, if two people are thinking about spending rest of their lives together, aren’t they supposed to be thinking about the near future seriously and financially?
Asked By: polly2140 - 9/5/2008
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
to me it sounds like you guys are one good couple... maybe if you two spoke to a third party more experienced about money would help you guys, but relationship wise u guys are doing good. you have to remember, men will always be men, that means dont disturb him when a football game is on, but he does have to be... More
Answered By: vxxxxx - 9/5/2008
Additional Answers (7)
seems like your guy is moving on from one mom to another. he must feel like the luckiest guy ever!
Answered By: yaknow2 - 9/5/2008
You see what he's like. It's up to you to stay or go... More
Answered By: Kristin R - 9/5/2008
I am quite in a hurry but to make long story short: if you do love him you will accept him as he is and will support him in whatever his decision is.
Answered By: Daemian B - 9/5/2008
Be careful of this guy. He will drain your bank account before you can blink an eye. He doesn't seem to be very ambitious, so hell may freeze over before he ever gets around to paying you back. He seems to like the credit cards. You will pay them off, he will run the bill back up. Don't marry this man until he... More
Answered By: . - 9/5/2008
well after reading Paragraph 2 and seeing hes 40k a year and still living with mom shows me hes a mooch, a person that only cares about himself, and has yet to even grow up.. he could afford a 2bed 1-1 1/2 bath with garage home on that income... but hes putting himself and his wants first, and it seems your not on his... More
Answered By: J - 9/5/2008
You not only have to think about the near and distant future seriously before you're married, but also if you only thinking of starting a relationship. Your b/f's behavior is a HUGE red flag.......at age 30 he should have been past irresponsible financial history....but perhaps living with mom might be the culprit... More
Answered By: Justlookin - 9/5/2008
I think I would agree with you when you say that two people planning on spending the rest of their lives together should be thinking about the future together. And, yes, finances can play a large role in the quality of that future, and so should also be considered seriously... More
Answered By: ayahuaskat - 9/5/2008
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