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I feel like my life is falling apart and I don't want to go on. How can I get a grip?

Here's my story. At 13 I became anorexic, then at 14 bulimic. I cut myself, ran away from home, wore men's clothing and didn't wash. I couldn't speak to anyone, I had barely any friends. I had an abusive boyfriend. I had been head and shoulders above the other kids in my year. I played 4 instruments and was very academic. In my GCSE mocks I got 5 A*s, 4 As and 1 B. The teachers discussed with my Dad in front of me whether I'd be better off in Cambridge or Oxford. But by the time I did my GCSEs I'd become so ill I couldn't keep up. I got much lower grades than in my mocks. The teachers forgot about me. They didn't praise me anymore and when they picked people in my sixth form to visit Oxbridge I wasn't given a mention. I scraped through my A-levels and got into uni on clearance. I wanted to do a music degree. I had got 88/90 on my composition module in my music A level. But no university would take me on. So I took a degree in English and Film studies. Once I'd got away from home (Cumbria) to Manchester my confidence started to increase. I got rid of the abusive boyfriend and willed myself out of bingeing. By the time I was 19 I was no longer bulimic. I worked hard at uni and secured a high first. I was the top of my year, won an award and was given a scholarship to do an MA. I had a minor breakdown in the middle of my undergraduate degree and became agoraphobic. I had always been social phobic so I didn't have a social life. My doctor prescribed some medecine and I started working on CBT. By the time I was 20 I was very confident. I dropped out of my MA. I was exhausted and depressed. I kept colapsing (I was doing filmmaking - this isn't good on set) and I couldn't concentrate. I began a temping job. Quit that and looked for permananet work. For months I was unemployed despite my best efforts. I lost my flat and had to sleep on my Mam's dining room floor. I got a job in admin a couple of months ago and now have my own place. Sorry for the long history but I want you to understand where I've come from and why I'm so unhappy. I'm mostly confident and happy nowadays. I'm good with people and I work hard. I've never had trouble getting a boyfriend and people seem to really like me. But as soon as one minor thing happens I'm back to square one. Recently I slept with a guy and he started seeing someone else soon after. I've skipped two days of work and I can't stop crying. I don't even like him that much it's just that I can't cope with anything anymore. I'm frustrated and unhappy in my life. I have no opportunity to use my brain anymore. I miss doing challenging work. I want to be a broadcast researcher for television. I know I could succeed in the role. But I need to secure unpaid work to get experience before anyone will take me on. This means working 6-7 days a week because I can't leave my paid work. But I can barely motivate myself to get out of bed as it is. I feel like I've worked and worked and everything always goes sour. I just want to be given a chance in life but it seems it's always taken away from me. I'm so capable and nobody wants to know. Guys always fall in love with me, I'm pretty and I make a good girlfriend and I try to always be the best person I can be. But in the end they leave me. They get bored, or they meet someone else or I never find out the reason. I'm just so frustrated. I feel like I have no control. I don't want to have to work in such a simplistic job when I have so much to offer, I don't want to get rejected all the time. I don't want to be pushing against the urge to binge or cut myself. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I can't see how I could get into a better life. Please help me to help myself. I don't want to go down the same path I did as a teenager. I actually always approach men. I prefer to pick my own boyfriends then choose from the idiots that approach me! It's just that I always seem to go for the creme de la creme in a way and there's a lot of competition for those guys. The girls are swarming around them and I never seem to match up.

Asked By: Sgl - 9/18/2008
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I think the first thing you should do is understand that you're not alone in this. I know it sometimes feels like it's the whole world versus you. so what I think you should do is go see a therapist if you can or join a support group. One thing I have noticed is that you look for external approval to feel good about... More
Answered By: h88 - 9/18/2008
Additional Answers (5)
You have some serious personal issues that should be discussed with a therapist. Tell your regular doctor about these problems and they can refer you to someone. You could also check to see if there is an Mental Health Mental Retardation (MHMR) facility near you. They have you pay on a sliding scale, according to... More
Answered By: thorn105 - 9/18/2008
 
Before this gets any worse you need to go and talk to a qualified psychologist, they will help you get your life back in order, it may even help you just to talk about things worrying and frustating in your life, they can also give you strategies to use in everyday life and teach you the power of positive thinking and... More
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Answered By: Shine Cloud - 9/18/2008
 
I suggest looking for someone you love , gaining the confidence to approach them and you making the first move . Try something different... More
Answered By: Brian J - 9/18/2008
 
i think that your issues are a bit too indepth for the people on yahoo answers... but this is a start... you have admited that you need help and that your not happy with your life. some people just pretend that they are happy and they try to convince themselfs that they are having the time of their lifes... More
Answered By: Jasmine J - 9/18/2008
 
There are many complex issues here. It's not surprising that 'one minor thing happens' and you feel you're back to square one. But you're not really back to square one at all - that's your negative side telling you that... More
Answered By: Han - 9/18/2008
 
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