Worried that my past has destroyed my future and goals, what to do ?
Ive had a very difficult miserable life - missed out on EVERYTHING thus far : relationships, friendships , employment, qualifications etc.
suffered severe abuse/ bullying throughout my life, im now 30 years old , i feel ive aged prematurly because of stress , i have a minor criminal record , ( carrying a knife in a rough nieghbourhood, carrying a snooker ball in a sock - assault , kicking someone - ) spent time in a psychiatric hospital for 18 months because i said things to scare psychiatrist because i wasnt recieving help in the community.
all that was about 7 years ago, since then ive been from pillar to post, ended up homeless for 9 months.
ive made alot of progress from how i once was - i used to have rage outbursts in public and lash out and pick fights with people, due to bottled up anger when i was bullied.
in the present im living in a one bedroom apartment in a dreary part of england on sickness disability - iam waiting for group therapy because thers is no individual psychotherapy in my area.
i was diagnosed with BPD and post traumatic stress traits.
i have physical problems, torn ankle ligaments, i need an operation on my left ankle - cracked skin on my penis, waiting for a 3rd opinion from a dermatologist - im out of shape badly because i have been inactive for so long. my physicality is weak.
im so jumbled up an confused because im wondering what to do and in what priority - i have goals in life i want to reach ; i want to emigrate from england to somewhere hot and coastal with a good paid job in IT computers.
i definatly want to emigrate inspite of my disadvantages - but im so depressed because im starting from nothing, from scratch virtually.
and now im worrying how i will achieve that goal, and what order to do things , like prioritise ?
i feel in a rush, im scared it will take too long to achieve my goals as im already an aged 30 , 31 in january.
i want to work towards my desired goal and realise there is only me to save ME , but im confused as how to go about things. .... ive lived inside the system all my life have no life skills now iam desperate to stand on my own two feet , achieve my goals - leave britain and go my own way.
can someone help ?
i fear if iam trapped in britain , i will deffinatly to commit suicide.
iam not happy here, its been my childhood ambition to leave , i wanna leave , and that is that.
im aware im at big disadvantages but my number 1 goal above anything in this world is to leave britain.
i fear ive left it too late to achieve my ambition, ( nearlly 31) and that im to disadvantaged because of my past.
im sick of people undermining my goals, pointing out my mistakes, telling me that i have no chance of leaving england , unfortunatly its mostly brits who put me down, tell me its unrealistic, that my past will go against me - like their keeping me prisoner here...
but inspite of that i feel falsely imprisoned in the uk anyway, like im being kept here, against my power.
i dont want to do one day at a time which is what most say, i literally want to rush off and leave here next week..
i have a sense of feeling trapped here.
i dont live in a rough area really but you do see no hopers, alcoholics , groups of teenagers acting hard , white skin heads etc - and thats not what i want to be around.
Asked By: ∫e mousquetaire XVI - 9/26/2008
Only you can make the changes ... ive seen you post the same question many times now ...if you want things to improve only you can turn things around,for me it was too get as much support as possible,from a counsellor,psychiatrist and now a social worker and now im started on a psychthearapy programme,i have borderline personality disorder and in the last year ive moved countries left my job ,started uni at age 32,left my boyfriend a 12 hour flight away,split from my boyfriend,and now ive been accepted onto a NHS psychotherapy intensive treatment programme and aim to become well.
Fight for want you want and make an action plan and when you start on it and get some of those boxs ticked you will start to feel good.
Answered By: splash - 9/27/2008