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HELP! My Husband of barely one-year had online and phone-sex with another woman. What should I do?

I just celebrated my one-year wedding anniversary with my third husband. Not long after, I discovered that he had a brief on-line “affair” with someone out of state. Technically the affair occurred about three weeks before our anniversary. Now when I say “affair”, I mean he stayed up late at night at least on one occasion and had phone & webcam sex with a woman on-line. I also discovered that over a week or so period, he phoned and texted her several times. I confronted my husband and he vehemently denied (aka lied through his teeth) knowing the IM contact name I presented to him. He even went so far as saying that he could “sleep at night knowing that I am the only woman he wants…” This went on for about a day while I was home and he was at work. It was not until 14 hrs later when he returned home and I provided the evidence, did he “come clean”. And to add insult to injury, he acted like an a*****e! ~ Basically, trying to rush me to say what I wanted to do (i.e. kick him out/divorce him whatever). And then finally the cherry on top: he said because I didn’t/don’t give him what he needs, I pretty much caused him to do that. I am both the victim and villain!!! <<< choking back the p**e >>> Now I’m not going to paint a rosy honeymoon picture here. Our first year has been rocky. We rushed into the marriage, we had to deal with disgruntled family members, misbehaving children, ex’s, new and lost jobs (his losses, not mine). So true, we’ve been working through our issues. Anyway, he finally confessed and told me the “truth”. He claims that he ended it abruptly because it wasn’t what he wanted. He never actually met the woman – she was someone he met on-line. He needed to get his “rocks off” but in the end he wants a real relationship – with me. But he also minimizes it by saying it was just “phone sex” and he had no plans to actually see her. So here is my dilemma. A part of me believes this to be true. Meaning, I don’t doubt that he loves me and wants a family. But the fact that he would do this, and LIE about it so BADLY turns me off completely. Even if this was a stupid one-time mistake, how can I EVER trust him again. And here’s the kicker - why should I? If he wasn’t man enough and faithful enough to tuff it out at least ONE YEAR into our marriage before he considered cyber-cheating, where does that put his emotional stability? If the table was turned, and I cheated on HIM in this manner he would be ENRAGED. So what the heck do I do? Do I need a husband THAT bad to stay with this man? Do I forgive him and try to work at it and LIVE with the shame and emotional resentment I believe I will have for the REST of my life? HELP! Kick him to the curb or stay?

Asked By: DisgustedWithMen - 12/2/2008
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Men rarely answer these questions which is funny because women do not understand us and we DO NOT AT ALL understand you. lol

He's trying ot fill a void by doing that, no attached man has the plan in his head ohh im going to cheat on my lady. If you guys have had a rough year I would assume there has been a lack of intimacy. While women can go a long time without sex especially during rough times men are opposite, when times get rough the sex is there escape. Its an evil cycle I know.

Bring him into your bedroom tonight sit him on the bed and say something alon the lines of "listen maybe sexually your lacking something but im your wife and you COME TO ME for that, dont you DARE ever do something like that again i will kick your ass to the curb and not shed a tear because if you have that much disregard for my feelings you do not deserve me. got it?" if he tries to answer anything but yes or no keep saying " YES or NO, i dont want to hear anything else" If he says yes i understand in a way that you believe is convincing then say "good" then shove him down on the bed and straddle him saying "now heres your punishment" Im sure you can handle it from there.

If a man is looking for sexual release outside of his relationship subconciously he is doing it to better his own relationship, sounds horrible and most men to realize it but its true. He wants to be with you but there is something your missing, instead of replacing you he is filling the void so he can stay with you and stay happy. Dont let him go elsewhere to fill the void let him know if something is lacking to let you know. from personal experrience most of the time a guy just wants to be surprised (yes ladies we say we hate surprises but we love them really) in a sexual manner. every once in a while when he comes home have on something sexy, take charge. Quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomache the best way to keep a man on a leash is to tie it around his penis. Sounds perverted but its true.

Let him know next time your gone then take him on the ride of his life. He will worship you afterwards as long as you keep it up.

I promise.
Answered By: King Kahn - 12/2/2008
Additional Answers ()
Well i think if he really cared about you he woulden't be doing that. But tell him if you find him doing that one more time "Your leaving". There.. plain and simple. If he keeps on. Well then you have your answer. And that means he disrespecting you.
Answered By: naty!? - 12/2/2008
Only you can decide to leave him or not....I can say if it was me I would probably try to work it out and seek marriage counseling. I hope that whatever you choose works out for you, I would be just as hurt.
Answered By: Nichole - 12/2/2008
If you decide to stay with him, that is a very rocky road too. It is likely that you will never trust him, or if you do, it will not be to the same extent as BC (Before Cheating).

Put the shoe on the other foot...would he leave you for the above. If the answer is yes, I'd leave him, he won't respect you otherwise and that makes for a very long and difficult path as well.

Good luck. Hope things work out OK for you.
Answered By: Erin P - 12/2/2008
You deserve much better. Move-on and kick his azz to the curb. Life is to short to be putting up with selfish azz people. He should not have married anyone if he knew he was not ready for marriage. There are to many good honest men that do not have the opportunity to marry a good woman. Honey drop him and go find one of those good men.
Answered By: Sue - 12/2/2008
Leave
Answered By: rooney - 12/2/2008
My suggestion to you is to run run run ..and leave him...if he did that he will do it again...and if she was there they would actualy had real sex...thats just discusting after one year..i would never trust this man again
Answered By: Juliet - 12/2/2008
I didnt read all of your question because of lack of time but this is my advice to you.

Obviously get a divorce. do it now.
and then after that i recommend some counseling for you.
We need to find out why it is that you fall too fast and just rush into marriage. When you date someone it needs to be 2-3 years or more to really realize how a person is how he acts, what his morals and values are. Marriage is not a joke and it should be treated seriously. you need to talk to someone to find out why it is that you are falling to fast or just dont catch in details from people. You really need to get to know people before you marriage them. That is a huge commitment.

Also stop complete communication with that guy. Do not speak to him at all. not even a text that say stop texting me or a call that says stop nothing at all. Divorce get out and dont rush into another marriage. stay single for awhile. get to know yourself and let a man come to you. but not just any man really get to know the person before you do or else you will heading towards yet another divorce.

be 100?ot 99.9?bout being sure of marriage with any other men. It should be completely thought out so that you know you will stay with that person til death do you part.

Good luck
Answered By: Future Ph.D Paola - 12/2/2008
Kick him to the curb.

One year into the relationship he found the need to get emotionally involved with a woman online? What about when things get really, really tough? He said because you didn’t / don’t give him what he needs, that it pretty much caused him to do that? So basically, he rationalized his actions. You made him be unfaithful. B.S.

What if you had done the same, exact thing to him? I think he'd be a little bit p****d!

Get a divorce - it will be so much easier than when you're 20 years down the road, as I am, and kicking him to the curb.

You can and do deserve better! KICK HIM TO THE CURB.
Answered By: Duffy - 12/2/2008
Does not sound like you are a very good judge of character
and now for the third time you have made another bad choice.
Looking at porn is something men do and it is not cheating
but he has gone beyond the permissible limit of simple porn.
He has technically not had an affair and cheated on you but
he has certainly crossed the line and for a man married only
one year is is even worse..
This marriage does not have much of a future...
Start a secret savings account and get into shape..
You will be on your own again soon and looking for a
4th husband....Get a good Pre-Nup this time..
Answered By: Common Sense - 12/2/2008
YOU SHOULD SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't kick him out, there might be something else bothering him!!


YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Source(s):
MY HEART
Answered By: Natalie S - 12/2/2008
Let me tell you this happened to me... more then once with my husband. internet and myspace and porn sites will ruin a marriage. but even though we got help and we are still together and happy it is still hard for me to trust him in anyway. but i can't worry myself about this. i think doing the same thing to him(your husband) wouldn't help but it would let him know how you felt. and if he couldn't deal with it like you've had to move on. the way its sounds is he wants out, but wants you to be the one to say it. i have not only had this problem but so have my friends. put a block on the computer and txt msg. that would be funny if someone needs him they can call him. plus the other chick should be ashamed i called every girl that my husband thought about and i found on his myspace date line and phone believe me i had so words!!!
Source(s):
personal exp
Answered By: millie - 12/2/2008
Kick him to the curb, blah blah blah
leave, blah blah blah

how about you actually give him what he needs, as he suggested?
Answered By: smallpenislongtongue4444 - 12/2/2008
Leave him. I don't care if he doesn't know her or if he didn't get to touch her, etc, that is cheating and probably the first step to him taking his nasty cheating ways further. He is a dog. You don't need any man, especially one who treats you like that. Kick him to the curb!
Answered By: kristenlparker - 12/2/2008
Boot him out. He's lied once and I can promise you if he had a woman in front of him he'd do the dirty.

Get rid of him you don't need a man!!
Answered By: Blackwell754 - 12/2/2008
Dump him... he doesn't love you like you deserve.
Answered By: Jay - 12/2/2008
This phone-sex thing that is the rage in this world today, is asinine and completely stupid. It seems there are a lot of NEEDY and those who need IMMEDIATE gratification to sustain their lives...What a bunch of BS. Mature and loving adults don't do this kind of crap, they really don't. I would be very leery of a ANY man who did this, yet alone, less than a year of marriage. Maybe you rushed into something without spending more time discussing your expectations of one another? Dunno. The most important part of this equation though, is love...do you love him? Do you believe/feel loved BY HIM?
If the answer is yes, you owe it to yourselves to get past this with the understanding if it EVER occurs again, you will part ways. Forgivenss is mighty important, perhaps more so when you're in love and feel committed to another and he you. I understand your anger, but its time to get past it and have this REAL conversation with him and listen to your gut instinct. If you feel it's over, then make it so...but that leads me to believe you two never truly loved one another ENOUGH to marry in the FIRST place.

Sincerely,

Grace
Answered By: bunny - 12/2/2008
I see a lot of words here like cheating (no sorry talking dirty online is not cheating, it is fantasizing). Affair, no it was not an affair there was no actual contact. Confronting, did you try talking first or just leap to the instant offense? He said he wasn't getting what he needed at home, was that explored? I have a feeling not.

This is your third marriage, work it out or decide to divorce and quit making a mockery of being married by remaining single afterward.
Answered By: Rebecca W - 12/2/2008
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I received the following email from these guys: "Hello, my name is Susan Collins and I am Personnel Manager of Audit Sales Company Inc. and will be your supervisor. Thanks for sending us your job application. We'd love to bring you on board. The reason for this email is to touch base with you as a potential candidate for the position we are currently looking to fill (Audit Sales Representative). You replied to our online job posting and I would like to take a moment to familiarize you with who we are. Audit Sales is the worldwide leader in temporary financial staffing, providing excellent opportunities in the areas of accounting, bookkeeping, credit and collections, data entry, finance, payroll, audit and tax. Our relationships with top companies ensure that our employees enjoy competitive pay, and dynamic and ongoing assignments with the best opportunities for temporary and temporary-to-full-time employment. Since opening our doors in 1990 we are recognized as a top performing firm for the Midwest region and have expanded all over USA, Canada and Europe. Future goals include expanding offices to multiple markets across the country. Having gained operational experience in Intern Audit Inc., I recommend all new employees to treat seriously every small detail they may encounter in the course of their work. You have a real chance to obtain quick promotion in the nearest future if our management is satisfied with your job results. Audit Sales Representative is an entry level position that involves transfer of funds from Audit Sales to our client's via Representative's account, consequently eliminating any transfer holds. We don't require any previous experience for this job. We are looking for a trustworthy person to process payments sent from AuditSales.bz to our clients. We will provide an Representative with detailed instructions for payment processing operations including invoices, contracts and all documents regarding current sale. Funds that are deposited into your account comes directly from our company and the funds are sent via instant money transfer service within the USA ( bank wire transfer). You will always be aware exactly where the money is coming from and where it is going. For additional security we provide Invoices and contracts for all transactions completed. We offer a couple types of compensation packages: either performance based pay or base salary plus commission. Of course, details are discussed during your trial period (3 months). When funds enter employee's bank account, Wire Transfer Representative's duty is to withdraw cash and process the funds. The main advantage of our services is the shortest possible time within which the client can receive money for the services/goods. If this operation is delayed, our clients are entitled to cancel their contract with us and we suffer financial loss. Therefore, successful applicant must be very responsible and careful! Our company can guarantee $2,500 base salary + 5?ommission for every transaction done. Working with our company guarantee's you a safe relationship and licensed establishment. If you would like to apply to this vacancy and inquire more detailed information, please fill out our online job application via our secure website: http://www.AuditSales.bz/index.php?action=login BEFORE YOU APPLY PLEASE REVIEW THE FULL JOB DESCRIPTION. We'd like to get started as soon as possible, so please complete the online application today. You will also need to take an online interview when applying for this job opening. If you have any questions/issues please replay to this email. -- Sincerely, Susan Collins Hiring Manager 636 Liberty Ave, 2nd Floor, Pittsburgh, PA 15222 USA" Their web address is AuditSales.bz I have not been able to find anything out about these guys, so I'm thinking that is red flag number one right off the bat.... But has anyone encountered these guys before? Wayne Z - I tried doing a domain search and had no luck, although I didn't exactly give it a thorough attempt.. You have confirmed what I needed to know. Kittysue - The funny thing is I never even sent them my resume! I responded to the posting on Craigslist asking for more information about the company/position and I got that in return, but I gave them absolutely no other information. The whole thing threw up so many red flags.
3 answers - Asked By: Fratty Rower - 5/20/2013
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