How does my thesis statement sound?

I need to write a thesis statement on the job of a sales representative( job, needed skills, salary, etc.) how does this sound: Sales representatives need to be driven, outgoing, and persistent. Sales representatives with outgoing, persistent, and driven personalities will not only successfully represent a business and their products, but will also make a major financial contribution to the economy. sorry didnt mean to put the first sentence in there. i copied it from word and i accidently copied that sentence (which i ended up erasing)

Asked By: actingchick - 12/3/2008
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
The first sentence is unnecessary and can be included with the second, otherwise you sound repetitive. The rest is good!
Answered By: kitty says mew - 12/3/2008
Additional Answers (4)
I agree, combine the two sentences, just make sure in a thesis you have a subject, and an assertion, which is usually shown in an action verb. Which in this case you do have the parts so it is good
Answered By: Kidda - 12/3/2008
Yeah, omit the first sentence. The rest is good because you're making your three points and clearly expressing what you're going to be writing about.
Answered By: Lissi P - 12/3/2008
The second sentence sounds good, but thesis statements are only supposed to be one the short sentence before it is not needed. Other than that....sounds good.
Answered By: Jaklynn - 12/3/2008
u use outgoing twice.... sort of dilutes the impact a bit otherwise good
Answered By: xoxoxo123 - 12/3/2008
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