what do you guys think of this?

Ok its long, so be prepared. Even if you read part of it, just tell me what you think. “Mom have you seen my suit?” “No sweetie I haven’t. Which one are you looking for? “You know the red one with the big word LIFEGUARD plastered on the front. Seriously I have to be at work in fifteen minutes.” I was walking from the laundry room back to my room to search yet again for the missing bathing suit. “Emma hey, I think I found it!” my older brother Jonathan was dangling the red suit from the straps with a smirk on his face, obviously extremely proud of himself for finding it. I snatched the suit sprinted to my room, threw it with some shorts, grabbed my sunglasses, and ran out to my car. I quickly drove to the local recreational pool to swipe in and take my post on the lifeguard chair. “Hey Emma” said the Shirley. She’s the pool receptionist. Shirley was like a teenager, she acted seventeen even though she hasn’t been seventeen for forty years. She wore short shorts and neon tops with lots of blue eye shadow and bright pink blush. Shirley, no matter how weird she may have come across, is the funniest, nicest adult that you can actually relate to. She has lots of experience with boys and shopping, she’s great to talk to. I had just met her about two months ago when I moved from a small town in Colorado to a town about an hour from New York City. I left behind all of my friends, most of my family and an almost boyfriend. I swear if I just stayed in town for a couple more days Jay would’ve asked me out, but that’s beside the point. “Hey Emma, Can I ask you a favor?” said Logan. Logan is my life savor. I met him on the many tips I took with my parents from Colorado to New York trying to find a house. Logan’s parents are really good friends with my parents because our fathers went to business school together and are opening a small chain of inns together. I never met Logan until about four months ago when my parents dragged me on yet another trip to New York. Feeling bad about taking me away from my last homecoming dance at my old school my parents shoved me with Logan hoping it would take all the pain away. Logan is what you would call the “it” boy. He was extremely good looking, got good grades, extremely funny, talented, and actually nice. I didn’t actually like Logan in a romantic way. We became best friends. He introduced me to all of his friends which I was so thankful for. This way I wouldn’t have to sit by myself in the lunch room on my first day of school, or wander through the cafeteria aimlessly. “Logan if you want me to take your shift so you can go out with some girl the answer is no.” He’s asked me to do this on countless occasions; he attracted girls like road kill attracts birds and bugs. Logan was rubbing sunscreen on his face with his sunglasses perched on his mess of brown hair which totally suited him. He was also a lifeguard and actually got me my job at the pool. “Well see that’s not actually what I need from you.” He said. “Then what do you actually need?” I was skeptical; he had an odd, uncomfortable look on his face completely different from his usual goofy, carefree face. “Well see there’s this girl,” “Uh Logan I really don’t need to hear how hot this girl is” I cut him off. “Now wait let me finish. She’s not into me, which is so weird!” he was going back to his regular self. “And she’s not my normal type. She’s smart.” Logan usually attracts the air head blonds who use books to drop hoping some guy will pick them up. “And what do you want me to do about the smart girl? Honestly Logan, I’m totally lost as to where you’re going with this.” “Well see I was thinking if she thought that girls liked me, she’d be more into me.” He said. “Um Logan, this probably isn’t a shock to you but you have plenty of girls. I saw a waiting list on a bathroom stall at the mall.” “Yes but I don’t have smart girls.” “Oh my God. No Logan I see where you’re going with this and I wont do it.” “Please just this once. I heard she was going to Max’s party and since you were going anyway I thought maybe we could just hang out and maybe we could make-out where she can see us.” My jaw dropped open. “I hope your kidding. Logan I am not going to make-out with you. It would be like kissing one of my brothers.” I have three brothers. Evan who is 20, Jonathan who is a year older than me, he’s 18, and Tyler who’s 12. I love my brothers but sometimes they can be a bit protective, even Tyler who thinks just because he’s taller than my five foot five self, he can decide who I date and who I don’t. But if I dated Logan, they would be thrilled; my parents, Logan’s parents, and not to mention my brothers, have been trying to push us to go on a date since we met. “Come on Em, just a peck? Please. If you do this for me, I’ll take your kiddie pool shift.” He said with a light tone. He knew that by offering to take my kiddie pool shift I would give in. I hate sorry the rest of it got cut off

Asked By: meeha - 2/12/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Okay i am going to tell you right now. I will not be sitting here telling you "wow what a great story, keep it up." My reasons, im going to help you. Tell you what should get changed what is wrong. Just anything to help you become a better writer (not saying your not a good one...) [oh dont mind my spelling, im rushing... More
Answered By: Emilie:) - 2/12/2009
Additional Answers (3)
i read only up to. "...besides the point" [first paragraph] sorry only that much but it had a really good sound to it, so i'm sure the rest was great=]
Answered By: bite me Robert[½ vampire] - 2/12/2009
wow!!! thats good!!! i really want to read the rest of it now!!!
Answered By: Q-t pie - 2/12/2009
It sounds like a great short story read for young readers. Keep up the good work. Your grammar and punctuation is very refreshing in a time of many acronyms.
Answered By: CC65 - 2/12/2009
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