essay revision help? ASAP?

okay, here's the deal: for my ENL 102 class, we have to write an essay on stereotypes and the historical basis of a certain stereotype, etc. I chose to write about the "drunken Irishman" stereotype. I already have an essay written, but my professor is asking us to revise it (as she always does). I'm just having trouble revising this particular essay because -- although I know it isn't perfect -- I just can't seem to find the right words to rephrase certain things. I've decided I'll just post my essay and I'll show you where I'm having trouble revising. I guess it's just way more difficult for me because I'm one of the types of people that needs EVERY word to sound great and flow very nicely... I'm very picky. Anyway, here it is (and this is cited in APA format, but I'm not including the references page in this post): Here’s to Being Single, Drinking Doubles, and Seeing Triple As the saying goes, an Irish seven-course meal consists of a six-pack of beer and a potato. While the Irish have long been portrayed as a drunken, violence-prone lot, questions are being raised about the validity of such stereotypes. Where did this “drunken Irishman” stereotype originate? Is there any historical basis to this claim? The evidence may surprise you: historical information is backed by new studies, which suggest the fabled stereotype actually holds some truth. The Irish began their first large-scale emigration to the United States in the 1850s and 1860s as the potato famine was ravaging through the Emerald Isle. Upon arriving on America’s shores, the Irish were thrust to the battle lines of the Civil War. Fighting for both the Union and Confederate Armies, the Irish soldiers quickly gained a reputation as drunken fighters. As Union General Regis de Trobriand once noted, “When whiskey was first introduced into the camp clandestinely, it was in the Irish quarter that the officer of the guard first found it. The most severe punishments availed nothing.” (Keller, 2009) There are additional reports that the Irish attempted to clean up their act by establishing the Irish Temperance Association of 1861, but the indelible mark on history had apparently already been made. (Keller, 2009) Fast-forward to modern times and we are able to see the drinking stereotype that originated during the Civil War may hold more truth than originally thought. In a 2006 European Union study, researchers found that the Irish drank more than twice as much alcohol as their neighboring countries. (Kelleher, 2006) Additionally, a study was released at the beginning of 2009 that compared alcohol-related death rates between Irish immigrants living in Britain with residents of England and Wales. The results are astounding: Irish immigrants are twice as likely to die from alcohol-related complications than their United Kingdom counterparts. (Battles, 2009) These statistics may seem shocking, but doctors explain that there are multiple causes for these unfortunate results. To begin with, low-skilled Irish workers originally came to Britain in search of jobs. Irish men would typically congregate outside of pubs in the morning and wait to be picked up for work. After work, the men would often be dropped off at the pubs and “leave their wages behind the bar.” (Battles, 2009) Nowadays, although Irish immigrants are coming in search of more advanced occupations, they still tend to arrive as single individuals rather than as a family unit. As such, Irish immigrants are likely to frequent pubs to combat the loneliness they feel upon arrival in Britain. As Gary Fereday, the chief executive of Immigrant Counseling and Psychotherapy in London, observes: “One of the places you congregate when you’re a single adult is the pub. You are led towards alcohol.” (Battles, 2009) Thus, it appears that the “drunken Irishman” generalization isn’t fabricated. The Irish have a tendency to acquire a drinking problem, and this nasty stereotype isn’t going anywhere in the near future. Rather than trying to fight against the facts of history, the Irish say to grab a pint and join in the old Irish toast: “Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one; a pretty girl and an honest one; and a cold drink and another one!” now here's my problem with this essay: in paragraph 2, I want to find some way to revise the first sentence so as to focus more on the Civil War aspect, seeing as that's what I talk about for the majority of the paragraph. I also don't like how I wrap things up in the concluding paragraph with "The Irish have a tendency to acquire..." and I can't seem to think of a way to make that flow better. Help please? thank you SO much!!

Asked By: - 5/3/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Well I am not a master at writing but I think I can help you a little... More
Answered By: xavier - 5/4/2009
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