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what do you think of my story so far?

The new girl Chapter One: It was a warm, sunny, thursday afternoon, and i was trying to savor my last three days here in Los Angeles, before me and my mom move to the small, rundown, crappy town, of Saint Hill, nebraska. It all started when my mom discovered her dream of becoming a famous bookwriter. Her dream would ruin my life, because I only got through my sophmore year of high school before she was finally done writing her book. And the worst part of it all: It was actually good. and she knew it, so she called like a hundred billion different companies trying to get her book published, which led her to Milton book CO. right smack in the middle, of Saint Hill, nebraska. And that's the story of why we decided to move. It was my last day of school, here at Campton high, and me and my two best friends, leah and jordan, were planning on ditching 2nd period, because, first of all, we had a big math test, and none of us remembered to study, and second of all, because, I only had two days left, and this might be the last time all three of us are together. It was now saturday, my last day, and I spent nearly the whole day packing my bags. In my new school, we'd have to wear uniforms, and just thinking about wearing the ugly, red and white skirt, and the dreadful button up with the little red logo on the righthand chest pocket, pretty much ruined my already shitty mood. But i'd just have to deal with it because I really doubt my mom would change her mind now. Actually, im positive, she's been so hyped up the past week. She kept talking about how much money we were going to have with her new job. But honestly, were not even poor now. we live in a high rise apartment building, that was built only like two years ago, and only like really rich people live there. Plus we have a red convertable. Fact is: we really don't need anymore money, the only thing were gaining by moving is, well, nothing. But like i said before, theres no chance of her changing her mind, so theres no point of complaining. yes, luna, actually you are wrong, maybe youll just have to read the rest of it, and see what really happens. =]

Asked By: Brooke A - 5/26/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
That is a fantastic story send me the rest pleez I want to read the rest!!!
Answered By: ~tiger~ - 5/26/2009
Additional Answers (6)
"and called like a hundred billion different companies" Take that out for sure. Work on Capitalization, and Punctuation. Good luck writing.
Answered By: King - 5/26/2009
 
Many grammatical errors. You are telling not showing. Don't like this..."And that's the story of why we decided to move." Again, you are telling. SHOW!
Answered By: Alyssa R - 5/26/2009
 
It sounds pretty good so far, you just need to work on the capitalization and punctuation. :)
Answered By: ♥Jessa♥Its a 619 thang♥ - 5/26/2009
 
It's ok, but it seems that it is headed in a very predictable direction. New girl in town moved from a big city to a small town. Let me guess, the popular boy will take an interest in her over any other girl? If I guessed wrong then good for you, I'll be intrigued to read more.
Answered By: ♥Loony Luna Loves Lucius♥ (L⁴) - 5/26/2009
 
Your chapter could use a good a good editing time. I also agree with the answerer above me, saying that you're just telling us the story instead of showing us the story.
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Answered By: Shay-Lynn - 5/26/2009
 
its good, better than most of the things i've seen on here... More
Answered By: Dani [♥] - 5/27/2009
 
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