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what do you think of my story so far?

The new girl Chapter One: It was a warm, sunny, thursday afternoon, and i was trying to savor my last three days here in Los Angeles, before me and my mom move to the small, rundown, crappy town, of Saint Hill, nebraska. It all started when my mom discovered her dream of becoming a famous bookwriter. Her dream would ruin my life, because I only got through my sophmore year of high school before she was finally done writing her book. And the worst part of it all: It was actually good. and she knew it, so she called like a hundred billion different companies trying to get her book published, which led her to Milton book CO. right smack in the middle, of Saint Hill, nebraska. And that's the story of why we decided to move. It was my last day of school, here at Campton high, and me and my two best friends, leah and jordan, were planning on ditching 2nd period, because, first of all, we had a big math test, and none of us remembered to study, and second of all, because, I only had two days left, and this might be the last time all three of us are together. It was now saturday, my last day, and I spent nearly the whole day packing my bags. In my new school, we'd have to wear uniforms, and just thinking about wearing the ugly, red and white skirt, and the dreadful button up with the little red logo on the righthand chest pocket, pretty much ruined my already shitty mood. But i'd just have to deal with it because I really doubt my mom would change her mind now. Actually, im positive, she's been so hyped up the past week. She kept talking about how much money we were going to have with her new job. But honestly, were not even poor now. we live in a high rise apartment building, that was built only like two years ago, and only like really rich people live there. Plus we have a red convertable. Fact is: we really don't need anymore money, the only thing were gaining by moving is, well, nothing. But like i said before, theres no chance of her changing her mind, so theres no point of complaining. and by the way, this is my new accout, my name used to be brooke A. just thought id let you know so you didnt think i stole this story. dear Deanna M. i clearly said that it was MY characters last day of school at campton high. not everyones.

Asked By: ~brookie~ - 5/27/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
its a really good beginning. i would refrain from using the word "like" superficially and i would change the part where it was the last day of school and they were having a big math test. pick one or the other because otherwise it doesnt make sense. why would they be having a math test on the last day of school? and if... More
Answered By: Deanna M - 5/27/2009
Additional Answers (2)
Would you like to have this published for the more people to see? Get it published at Xpress Yourself. See http://becreative2009.blogspot.com/ for more info.
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Answered By: NWE-Entertainment - 5/27/2009
 
"And that's the story of why we decided to move" consider revising 3rd paragraph. the whole math thing is there for no reason. if you want to keep it.consider elaborating on the skipping. other than that its pretty good ! keep writing ! you have potential !
Answered By: sunlight - 5/27/2009
 
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