Problem with a first time mother and childminder?

	Problem with a first time mother and childminder? Ive just returned back to full time work after 6 months of maternity leave. During my working hours my daughter is being cared for by a really good childminder. However, I find myself really jealous of this childminder, as she gets to stay at home with my daughter all day while Im in work. I do like my job and not only do I feel lucky to have a job in these hard times but I also need to work as we cant survive on one wage. Anyway, getting back to the point, the childminder is brilliant but she seems to want to give "advice" about my daughter that being honest, I dont want to hear. For example, I was telling her a story about bathing Holly (my daughter) in a baby bath in the sitting room one night. The childminder then turned around and suggested that I should wash Holly in the kitchen sink, as she could look out the window etc. Another time I was saying, just in passing that Holly still had some cradle cap on her head and I was using a special sampoo. The childminder advised me to use baby oil instead. One other thing that annoyed me was she changed Hollys feeding times without asking me. For example, Holly usually had a bottle at 12 noon, and a pot of fruit and yogurt at 3 o clock, the childminder swapped these times around, and I know its only something small but I would have liked to be asked. She also recommends that I put Holly (7 months) in a walker, I dont want her to go in a walker yet as she had a click hip and dodgy knee at birth. I know the childminder is only trying to do her best and help but it gets it to and I dont know why!!!I am a first time mother with no family support bar my partner but I feel undermined. Any advice? Asked By: - 7/27/2009

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I am a nanny and one of my rules for myself is never give advice without being asked first. Just be careful that when you tell her things about the baby it doesn't come off sounding like you need advice. For example when you mention cradle cap it can be interpreted as you wondering if she has any ideas for that. If she throws out advice just say something like "thanks for the advice but I have a plan in mind". By saying this when she offers advice she should get the hint that you don't want or need her to offer advice. Try to keep in mind though, that she is probably just trying to help and probably thinks she has some experience to back up her advice. The changing her feeding schedule....I have actually done that. I am a nanny to 1 yr old twins and awhile back they weren't drinking their bottles. At lunch they would have their solids first and then the bottle at the end. At the time they were only 7 months and still needed the formula more than the solids so she was concerned about them not finishing their bottles. One day I tried swapping and doing the bottle first and then the solids and they drank the whole bottle and still ate the solids. When she came home that day I explained what I did and how it worked and she seemed happy. She even started doing that too so it worked out. I think me doing that just came from my own experience as a mother of 4 children and having worked with so many children in the past. Normally I would ask before making any big changes but I didn't think it would be a big deal to do what I did and it helped. If you simply don't like the idea of her making any changes without consulting you first then you really do need to just come out and tell her that. Just tell her that you really want to stick to the schedule you have because it is what works for you. The only reason I did what I did was because I was just trying it out to see if it would help and the old way wasn't working and she was concerned about them not getting enough formula. Please don't allow feelings of jealousy cloud your thoughts about your childminder. if she takes good care of your child and your child likes her then just be happy. I used to care for a little girl where the mother ended up jealous of me and it turned out bad. She ended up losing me after two years of caring for her daughter because I couldn't take it anymore. She ended up being so snotty to me all the time. She was jealous that her daughter would listen so well to me but not to her. She would ask me my advice about discipline and then would try it but wasn't consistent with it then she would get more frustrated. I think she felt guilty for going to work and all this just made her feel worse and she let it get in the way of her daughter getting good quality care. Answered By: luvmy4boyz - 7/28/2009

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There is nothing wrong if she is trying to help. I used the baby oil for my kids it did work better. And I bathed them in the sink because their back was up against the sink and it prevented any accidents. She is giving your baby excellent care. Babysitters never follow feeding times. The baby may be cranky because she misses you. And the baby sitter is not gonna let the baby cry until it's time for her to eat on your schedule. It still is a good time for her to get in a walker. just let her try it and if you think something is going wrong keep her out of the walker. I think that you may think the sitter may be doing a better job than you. What you do is not wrong but every body has different ways to care for a baby. She can never take your place. I have friends whose kids wasn't being fed or changed while they were at work. I also had a friend whose child died because the sitter was shaking her 3 mth old son, so you are truly blessed to have a good person that you can depend on. Answered By: hottie - 7/28/2009

If at all possible i would tell her what you just said - you feel undermined as a mother and a little threatened. bummer - sorry. Answered By: amsam - 7/28/2009

(have not spell checked so i may have some spelling mistakes as typed it quick!!) Hi, I'm an Ofsted registered childminder and i look after an eight month old little boy and a two year old boy as well as older ones in the holidays! Firstly, you are right that she should not have changed her feeding times! I stick ridigly to the baby's feeding and nap times! I used to bath my daughter in the kitchen sink as i had a big double one and it was so much easier than filling up the bath-but that is your choice! Baby oil is better than shampoo, i was told by my midwife to try it and i was like well i'll give it a go, and hey it cleared up!! ha ha!! I know as a first time mom you are going tp be very over protective of your daughter, as i was!! Everyone will wnat to guve you advice, do it this way, do it that way! But, as your childminder she should not be pushing suggestions on you!! Do you have a daily diary that she fills in each time your daughter naps, feeds, nappy changesm, activities and so on? I do, it helps the parent know what the child is doing in the day, and they can talk to me about the things i do with the baby, and if they don't like it, we change it! Every so often, say every 8 weeks, i give them a form to fill in on how they think their child is developing and is there anything they'd like me to focus on, such as with the 2 year old, he can now count to ten, as he was picking up numbers, which i already had noted, but waited for mom to suggest we focus more on numbers!! I think that the childminder makes you feel as though 'she knows best'! Maybe she just wants to try to help you but is doing it in a bit of an over bearing way!! Its good that she is interested though, better then your daughter coming home with dirty nappies and not develpoing! I think that if you are happy with her care, and the setting is nice and she fills in all her paperwork, just take her comments on lightly and say ok thanks for the advice, BUT, if sje goes ahead and does things that you have not said ok to or have expressed that you do not want like the walker, then you must talk to her, as you may be aware, we work with the 'parents as partners' if she does carry on changing things you do not like, then maybe you should change? But that is totally your choice!! What grade did she get on inspection?? Chantelle x Source(s): ofsted registered childminder Answered By: Chantelle W - 7/28/2009

That would annoy me, too. There are two ways to go about this... Option 1 (if you're wanting to avoid confronting her): Don't tell her stories, anymore... Instead, simply ask her how the day went with your daughter... If you keep saying things that you're doing, she will keep giving you advice... Personally, I don't like this option, as she WILL keep on, anyway, and she'll continue to change things around, which will irk you. So, I recommend Option 2: Tell her that she's a good caregiver, BUT, you are her mother, and you will do it your way... Also, if you prefer her to eat certain things at a certain time, tell her! If you don't want her in a walker---and I agree with you---tell her she will NOT be in one! Remember a very important fact: YOU hired HER, not the other way around. You are her 'boss,' and what you say, goes. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to work for you... Now, there's no reason to be rude, but if she gives you any uncomfortable feelings at all, I would find someone else... Being comfortable with your childs' caregiver, is an absolute MUST! I'm surprised she tries to correct you, actually; I would have put a stop to that, immediately! She shouldn't be trying to get you to second-guess yourself, as her mother. If it were me, I would find someone else, and explain why... But, if you like her, I would explain my thoughts on the matter, and give her one more chance. Good luck! Source(s): Married, with 4 kids. Answered By: AgeofAquarius31 - 7/28/2009

She's only trying to help and you're being touchy! If she wasn't interested then you'd be worrying that you've left your child with someone who doesn't care. And don't dismiss all her ideas - some of them may be good. If you had family around then you'd be getting advice from all angles! If there's something that you feel really strongly about, like the baby walker idea, then just tell her that you aren't going to do that. If you try one of her ideas and it works then make sure that you tell her that too. Answered By: Cala B - 7/28/2009

Discus it with the childminder she probably wants best for your child as much as you do. She is the one with experience right sitting all day with her, she might now what's better About the walker i don't know what to say consult a doctor on the situation Answered By: reddragonn2006 - 7/27/2009

Sounds like you are getting a lot of advice all ready. Don't take it personal, she really is just trying to help. Accept her opinion and she isn't really doing any harm to your little one. She is yours and you do what you want at home. Answered By: peppermint_paddy - 7/27/2009

When it comes to her changing her routine I would just come straight out and tell her that you do it that way for a reason and if she wants to change things you would appreciate her asking you first. As for her giving you unwanted advise. You are going to get that all the time from many different people. They can't help themselves. Just smile and say I will think about that or tell her straight out that although you find her a big help and appreciate what she does while your not there that you don't want her advice if you are that way inclined (I'm not). Source(s): Mum of 6 year old twins, 14 month old baby and 10 weeks pregnant. Answered By: the_little_one_said - 7/27/2009

I'm guessing that she knows that you have no other support to chat with about things to do with babies and she knows you are a first time mother. This is probably why she is making these suggestions and she knows that you can take them or leave them. I never would have known about baby oil for cradle cap if my mom didn't tell me about it and now my son, 5 months old, has no more cradle cap (I also read that the special shampoos for it are worthless and a waste of money, but to each their own). You should chill on the feeding thing. It's really not a huge deal and perhaps it's better to give your baby a heftier "meal" at lunch time and a "snack" at 3 o'clock (like in school). Reconsider things and don't be so hard on her about it. You need to keep a good sitter for your baby, and the fact that she is telling you these things means that you are NOT being undermined, but simply suggested to. As a first time mom like you, I know that you are going to get a lot of unwanted advice. Take it or leave it. No one expects you to raise your child the same way they raised theirs. As for the walker, my son will never see a walker. Kids should learn to walk on their own merit...i think it stunts the natural development to put a baby in a walker. That's just my opinion though. Follow your intuition with your child and let the sitter know when you don't appreciate something she is doing. Answered By: zestysesky - 7/27/2009

Explain to her that you are the mother and things are to be done your way. It is important that a seven month old has a bottle before solids and not the other way around, so you should definately make sure she changes that back to the way you had it. As for the walker, they are not good for ANY baby. They promote bad posture, delay walking and are very dangerous. Simply tell her things are to be done your way. The advantage you have here is that she is employed by you, you are like her boss. If she is not willing to follow your rules, then you can tell her that her services are no longer required. Answered By: Skye - 7/27/2009

Next time she gives you advice you jiust tell her "THank you but I am happy doing things my way" and repeat this phrase when she says stuff you dont need to know...always use the same phrase and she'll get the picture....she should change NOTHING without your consent....so next time she does that you say "I would prefer to stick to the routine I have established...leave things as they are" if she argues then you may have to get another minder..its not her job to change things or dish out advice....why dont you retrain as a childminder and then you can stay home...with your own child and another couple of them? Answered By: Daisyhill - 7/27/2009

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