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How do i get over the loneliness?

Ive been in a relationship for nearly 9 years now. We both work hard with our jobs and other commitments and between them and looking after our 2 toddlers we dont get any time for each other and the relationship is startin to become a strain. He often falls asleep on the settee when he gets in from work cos he is tired leaving me to sort the kids out for bed etc. Thing is i keep telling him not to go to sleep downstairs because im sick of going to bed on my own all the time. All he says is that i dont give him a reason to meaning sex, but i try my best but he wants it every Nite, i wouldnt mind but i work just as hard as him and it annoys me as he thinks i do nothing. Anyway last Nite as usual he said get in the bath early and we will have an early Nite so i thought great, got in the bath came downstairs and said We going to bed? And he replied yeah after i have watched this film (Idianna bloody jones) so as usual i ended up in bed on my own, our 1 year old was playing up so i ended Sorting him out. When my boyfriend came upstairs i told him i felt lonely and that he was using our house as a b+b. He never said a word just went downstairs to go to sleep again!! Then i started crying with our little boy asleep next to me. What do i do? Im at the end of my tether and often think about leaving but we have 2 kids and a mortgage and i just dont know what to do.

Asked By: curly.angel24 - 8/24/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I feel for you and I understand your frustration.
Firstly, please recognise and appreciate the great things that you are doing and achieving - it says a lot about yourself and you should be proud.
Your insight and attitude about raising your children is inspirational - you are giving them a great start in life which is making a real difference to people you love. Fantastic - again be proud of everything you are doing.
As for your partner, I'll offer some advice (from a male perspective) about him and your relationship. Firstly, men think and look at things in a completely different way to woman (as if you didn't know !), but all his behaviour suggests that he is as worried as you. Men just aren't as good at facing and talking about their worries and concerns. Him staying downstairs is a symptom of being worried but afraid to discuss with you - in bed with the children asleep, would be quiet time when he would have to discuss his feelings and worries with you so he avoids it !!
And showing love, contentment and care is also different with men - they tend to do and equate it with/through sex. So, the fact that he wants sex really is a very good sign for your relationship.
The solution could be very straight-forward. Firstly, accept that you will have to be the talker (we men are rubbish at it !). Take some time together a day off work and/or an really nice evening out and tell him you love him, how important the realtionship is and the great things you have done together (ie the children). Then go home for some mind blowing sex !
I know this puts most of the onus on you (and yes, that aint far) but women are just best at sorting these things - he might even open up at some point.
Just remember this is nobody's fault and you obviously have the all the qualities needed to be successful at being a great Mum and partner. This should empower you to tackle what in a few months time should seem to have been a blip in the rich tapestry of life. It's just that you'll have to be the strong driving one in sorting it.
I'm no expert but your story touched me and I hope my bit of life experience helps (at 51, I have a bit). No matter what, I wish you all the best and you might not appreciate yet, but your children will bring a life time of pleasure ( with a few worries of course ) - take it from somebody who knows !
Answered By: GAR - 8/24/2009
Additional Answers ()
I KNOW RIGHT NOW THERE MIGHT BE ALOT OF ISSUES GOING ON TO CAUSE THERE'S A LOT OF FRUSTRATION, BUT IF YOU REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TALK TO ONE ANOTHER. TRY SETTING A TIME WHEN YA CAN SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH ONE ANOTHER. ME AND MY BOYFRIEND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER GOING ON 7 YEARS AND RIGHT NOW WE HARDLY SEE EACH-OTHER CAUSE OF OUR WORK SCHEDULES AND STUFF, AND I TOLD HIM I FELT LIKE WE WEREN'T SPENDING ENOUGH TIME TOGETHER AND I KNOW IT'S HARD ESPECIALLY CAUSE I HAVE 2 KIDS TOO BUT WE MAKE IT WORK AND MAKE TIME FOR US. IF YA REALLY LOVE EACH-OTHER YA WILL HAVE TO BE UNDERSTANDING AND BE THERE TO SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER, AND IF NOT THEN MAYBE YA NEED TO DECIDE IF YOU WANT THE RELATIONSHIP TO END. JUST FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND I HOPE THE BEST FOR YA.
Answered By: roxy - 8/26/2009
Your affectin your kids ! u dont cry in front of them its not fair sorry! u need to decide if u wanna stay in the relationship or not ! write a lists of ups and the downs .. sounds like ther wud onli be 3 ! kids mortgage bein alone
Answered By: Zoe - 8/24/2009
I have two children under 5 ... and it is very hard to sleep sometimes and going downstairs isnt the answer you just have to sort out your differences and try to find time for SEX and talking over issues. Possiblly with a third party someone NOT too close to either of you BUT you agree o0n.
Source(s):
Life
Answered By: Ree 9 - 8/24/2009
You have to decide whether you want to be with him or not. Maybe if you say that you're leaving him, he might start to change. Next time, don't let the kids see you cry. You may think they're only babies, but they're smarter than you think.
Answered By: ℓα яєιηα вσяι¢υα - 8/24/2009
You've got 2 kids and a boyfriend, make the most of it, I'm single, no kids and an overwhelming ache for a family, I cry myself to sleep most nights because I'm so lonely and don't have anyone.

Take some time off from work, both of you and just enjoy being together and maybe talk to him about how your feeling. People's opinions are good on here, but no one knows what you're really like with each other!
Answered By: Sam C - 8/24/2009
It really sounds like things are building up between you and a lot is being left unsaid. Men and women do communicate differently and an awful lot gets lost in translation.
I read a book which was helpful on the subject called 'Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes'. Its wonderfully lighthearted but does make so much sense, I recommend it.

You both really need to make the time and effort now before its too late.
Society tells you that you should be working all hours to buy all the things that you own, as well as raise a family, but have you ever actually sat down and listed in order of priority what you want in life?
Where does your job come in the list? Your children? your marriage? holidays?, happy times and memories? Story time with the children?
Perhaps you need to re-evaluate how much time you devote to things according to how important they are, and make some compromises. But you need to do this together. It doesn't sound as if either of you are having fun right now, but its an intensive time with young kids and you need to pull together.
Answered By: Paulastar1 - 8/24/2009
To the people who said
"don't cry in front of you kids"
She claearly said her 1 yr old was asllep next to her.
So obvioUsly the kid didn't see her cry.
and anyway sometimes you can't hold back the tears.
Believe me I've tried.

Anyway sorry you're having such a hard time.
You have to sit your partner down and tell him things have to change.
Tell him you are unhappy and it's not fair on you or the kids. Tell him that you have even thought of leaving him.
This should buck him up a bit
Suggest drawing up a rota for who sorts the kids for bed or just take turns.
Book a babysitter once a week or forthnight so ye can go out togrther,
Have some quality time to work on your relationship.
relationships are hard and both partis need to make an effort otherwise it will fall apart...

Good Luck hun..x
Answered By: тιηкєявєℓℓ - 8/24/2009
Sounds like to me things are already over and by his choice, thats why he acts and carries on like he does. Its just a matter of waiting it out to see who has enough first to do something about it. You need to sit down and realize if this is how you want your life to be or you want something better for yourself. You've got to learn to except it or not. Cause no matter how much you want things to change its never going to happen. And if you can't except it then you gotta put a plan in action to change things. You need to take care of you cause its ovious he's not anymore. Good luck
Answered By: shecat2u - 8/24/2009
I'm sure that same scenario is being repeated in countless homes across the country right now. You aren't alone. This is what most families experience at some point, and it's how you deal with it that determines whether you will stay together or not. But you can't do it alone, you need your husband on board. It sounds like he doesn't know what to do to improve things, and maybe he's lost the will. As other people have suggested, a night out on your own once a week or fortnight will make a lot of difference. I don't think expecting sex every night is reasonable at all with young children and your husband needs to grow up. It doesn't sound like you are communicating much generally and that has a big effect on your sex life. You need to get into the habit of talking to each other without the children around and going out and doing things together on your own. Do you go out as a family at weekends and do fun things together? That's all important as well, and bonds you as a family. Otherwise it's just you and the kids struggling along, with him as a bored, selfish presence, not really engaging. That isn't good enough.

I agree with other comments that you need to talk to him honestly and tell him things have to change, but in a non aggressive way. Perhaps counselling might help. If he isn't willing to make an effort, ther is nothing worse than being with someone who takes you for granted and leaves you with all the work and non of the companionship. Whatever the financial pressure, you will be better off without him.

What about taking it in turns to put the kids to bed, or him doing it at weekends to give you a break? He should be helping with the housework too.

Good luck!
Source(s):
Experience
Answered By: SHINY - 8/24/2009
Love is not an event . its a process---it will show gradually . give it time

stick to it . will pay off in some years
regards
Answered By: hyderali - 8/24/2009
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