What do you think of my story? Have any opinions/ suggestions.?
Trapped in the Forest
There were three animals: Martin, the parrot; Grace, the cat; and Mark, the goat. The three animals were best friends. They live in a village in Texas. The three planned to go to Daytona Beach, Florida. They were excited to go to the beach. From Texas to Florida, the three has to cross these three states: Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. The three had crossed Louisiana and now they’re in Mississippi. While driving in Mississippi, the three were unaware and had no idea that there’s a tornado behind them. The tornado carried away the car they were riding in. “I hope we don’t die” Mark said. The car they were riding in landed in the middle of a forest in Mississippi. Martin had a headache because he was badly hurt, had bruises on his right wing and left leg. Grace had a big, bloody wound on her back, and cuts on her face and legs. Mark’s leg was aching and had bruises all over his body. “This is hopeless” Grace said. “Don’t lose hope” Martin said. “I hope we can get out of here soon, without getting eaten, or killed by a lion, tiger, or snake” Grace said. “I was not expecting this to happen to us” Martin said.“Oh no! The glasses of my car are broken, and a door of my car is missing and one of the wheels of my car is flat” Mark said. “That’s terrible” Martin said. Grace looked around and saw a lion near them. “Quick hide! There’s a lion nearby” Grace said. They hid at the back of the car. The lion did not see them. While they were trapped in the forest, Mark ate the grasses and fishes there, Grace ate the fishes there, and Martin ate some worms and fishes. They drank water from the river in the forest. They also took a bath in the river. They also cured their bruises and wounds using their First Aid Kit. After 20 days, all their bruises and wounds are cured. They also pray everyday that they will get out of the forest soon and they’ll be safe there. Moreover, they always tried to find ways to get out of the forest, but they always fail. They felt unhappy, worried, and afraid everyday. They were almost eaten by lions, tigers, and snakes, but they were always lucky enough not to get eaten by those animals. Those animals just wounded them. Their families, friends, and relatives are worried already and they were crying everyday. They felt unhappy, worried, and afraid everyday, and they told about them to the police. They tried to find them everywhere and everyday but no one has a clue where they are. Their families, friends, and relatives thought that they were dead because of a car accident or they drowned in the beach, or someone abducted them and never set them free. They tried calling their families, friends, and relatives through the cellphone but Grace lost her cellphone because of the tornado. Martin forgot to bring his cellphone and it’s at his house in Texas. On the day when they were trapped in the forest because the tornado blew away their car, Mark was standing up while playing games in his cellphone, then he accidentally slipped and his cellphone fell in the river. A week after the 20th day, the three decided to sleep at the back of the car. They forgot to close the back of the car. Mark woke up because he felt like he was being watched. He checked what it was and he was shocked to see an anaconda in the car. He quickly gets the things they are going to use and wear in the beach, and their food. He woke up Grace and Martin. The three ran so fast while the anaconda was trying to chase and swallow them. The three were able to find a way to get out of the forest. The anaconda wasn’t able to chase them. “Yehey!!! We’re out of the forest” the three shouted happily. Mark’s car is still in the forest. The three just rode in a bus going to Daytona Beach, Florida. They crossed Alabama and they already reached Florida. They had fun there and they stayed there for four days. They went back to Texas and they told to their families, friends, and relatives of what happened to them and they thanked God that they’re still alive. Martin, Grace, Mark, their friends, relatives, and families are all crying when they saw each other.
Asked By: the guy next door - 10/22/2009
I am wondering if it would make more sense to change the parrot to a wood pecker since they don't have parrots here. That is not a big deal, but something to consider. Change village in Texas to Houston, Texas. Houston is a city, in the south they don't use the word village, that is something they would say in the New England states. If you make the story from Houston, they trip could go from Interstate 10 going east, it would be a straight shot to florida and then they could take Interstate 95 going south once they got to Jackson Florida to Daytona Beach. Just a thought. Put the middle of the Desoto National Forrest in Mississippi, that would be correct. No lions this far south, Bears are a stretch, but could happen, I think wild hogs are the big drama here now, and in Desoto they are having problems with the wild hogs now too. Maybe foxes and coyotes. Snakes would be rattle snakes or copperheads. When Grace sees a lion, change that to wild hog, or brown bear. The hog is more believable than the bear. If you use a woodpecker instead of a parrot, that would make more sense for eating worms. I don't know if birds eat fish. Again, change lions and tiger, you won't find them in America unless they are in a zoo. It wouldn't likely take a rescue team a month to find someone lost in the woods. You should make a comment that the woods were really thick with trees and that the three could hear rescue helicopters, but they couldn't see them because the trees were so thick. That way it explains why it took so long for someone to find them. Change a week after the 20th day to On the 27th day in the Desoto National Forrest, the three decided to sleep (in) the back of the car. (Americans would say sleep in a car, and remember to mark time in your stories so we can follow the time lines. I guess Americans have to have time lines. ha ha) Wait a minute, Mark had a cell phone to play video games, he could have called *55 (the number we call for emergencies on the highway) and got help, and the police would have found them. His battery wouldn't have held a charge for 20 days. Change anaconda to rattle snake or copperhead. I am not sure if copperhead is one word or two, so maybe you should go with rattle snake. The snake would scare them and they would scream and run, but the snake would go in the opposite direction, not that they would notice since they were running, but for the integrity of your story. When they get out of the forrest, the forrest Rangers let them call home so their families will know they are o.k. The forrest Ranger then takes them to the bus station and they take a bus to Daytona beach and they had fun there and stay four days. AAA Insurance company tows Marks car back to Houston Texas. They went back to Houston (by bus or plane), and they told their families........The rest of the story is fine. Pretty good story, you are getting better at these. Just remember to work on the time lines and we don't have tropical animals like lions and tigers here. Those kind of animals would be in Africa. When you are writing these stories try typing in the search engine something like wild life, or wild animals in the Desoto National forrest, or what ever area you are studying in class. That way you have integrity to your story. Good job.
Answered By: wishnuwelltoo - 10/22/2009