What do you think about the beginning of this story?

I'm just starting on a story, and I would like to see what people think of it. If you have any tips, contructive critisicm, ect, I would be more than happy to hear. And be honest! Thanks! """Some girl's long for attention. I, however, was not one of those girls. So when I walk into the Grand Hall of my new "home away from home," Barrington Academy, and see a room full of guys go silent and watch me as I make my way to the administrative office across the room, my first reaction was to turn around and run. Of course, I couldn't do that without looking like an idiot, so I chose option number two. Keep walking. Don't make eye contact. I tried my best to walk with confidence and poise. Well, as much confidence and poise a girl could have when carrying a duffle bag and rolling two suitcases. I was struggling. The Grand Hall was true to its name. It was huge, and right then I hated that fact. The room was filled with tables, couches, and chairs; and as I passed by a different group of boys, their reaction was the same. Silent and staring hard at me, like I was some kind of alien to them. If this would have been a room full of girls, most of them would be filling each other in on how their summer had been. But the looks on the guys’ faces and the change in the school from being all an all boys’ boarding school to coed told me summer memories were the last thing on the guys’ mind. Why had my mother forced me to go to Boarding School? More importantly, why did she drop me off at the door, and then leave me to fend for myself? Granted, I was sixteen, but still! My mother was too preoccupied with her job as a publicist to worry about me. That's the way things had always been. But until last year, my dad had always been around to do the things mom was too busy to worry about. I pushed that thought aside, knowing I couldn’t think about that. As I opened the door to what I hoped was the administrative office, I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Closing the door behind, I could feel the eyes still on me. "Good morning!" a lady in a black suit said to me in a sing-song voice. I smiled awkwardly and dropped my bags onto the floor. The administrative office was small, with a dark cedar counter that separated me from the woman, and one dark cedar desk with a computer and phone in the back corner of the room. "Oh dear, you poor child. Carrying all of that luggage yourself. When you go to your room, we'll have one of the boys help you." Oh, goody. "I'm Mrs. Porter, student counselor. You can come to me with any questions you have. What's your name?" she asked while looking at a sheet of names. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a tight bun, and I couldn’t help but think that she looked much older than she probably was. "Eleanor Roberts" I replied. She looked at the list through her reading glasses then nodded her head. "Yes, Eleanor Roberts, 15A," she read on the paper. "You're roommates should be already up there. Eager to meet you I'm sure!" She handed me a folder, and went over the schedule the rest of the day. I didn't bother telling her I had already memorized the schedule for the day as well as the schedule for all of my classes. I figured most students didn't normally do that before classes started. "Stay here, Eleanor, I'll be right back," she said as she opened the office door to the Grand Hall. I could see her walking towards a group of boys, and I faintly heard her talking. "Mr. Walker, come help this young lady with her bags, please," she said as she pointed to the office. Through the office blinds and the window open to the Grand Hall, I couldn't make out which boy she was talking to. I was still looking through the blinds when I heard Mrs. Porter come back into the office. I jumped away from the blinds and ran straight into someone behind me. “Sorry,” I say turning around to see a guy, who I assumed was the Mr. Walker Mrs. Porter had been talking to. He didn’t say anything as we stared at each other for what felt like minutes. His brown hair hit just at the nape of his neck, and his blue eyes didn’t look away from mine. A shiver ran up my spine, and I felt my cheeks redden.

Asked By: C - 11/2/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
It's well written. Of course there is always room for improvement... More
Answered By: Robert - 11/2/2009
Additional Answers (1)
Aww(: That was SO good. I wanna read more!
Answered By: Edith - 11/2/2009
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