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What do you think of my opening? I'm undecided...?

Stan and Allison were on the run. They had made their escape the previous night and people were just starting to realize they were gone, so at the moment, time was of the essence. Stan flew over the leaves with a track star’s grace while Allison stumbled along behind him. Each time her foot hit the ground, the sound of leaves cracking and twigs snapping followed. Stan gritted his teeth at this. He loved Allison, but she made too much noise sometimes. Without slowing down or even looking back at her, he hissed, “Allison! Try to be more quiet.” Allison, who had been running for thirty minutes straight, was tired, out of breath, and in a bad mood. “How about a break?” Stan shook his head, a gesture Allison could barely see in the early morning light. “No way. They’ll be looking for us in a few hours and we need all the head start we can get.” She sighed, then shivered as her breath appeared in a cloud in front of her. “Come on, Stan, please? It’s so cold. So so cold.” “You have to keep moving to stay warm. We’re going to keep on going,” was his firm reply. Allison didn’t answer; she stuck her hands deeper into the lining of her parka. As she concentrated on breathing in and out through her mouth, she suddenly became angry. Why were they out here, running in the cold? Because of Stan. Why were they facing a life in prison? Because of Stan. And now he wouldn’t let her rest for a few minutes? She stopped abruptly and dropped to the ground as defiantly as she could. When the familiar “crunch crunch crunch, snap!” of her feet stopped suddenly, Stan came to halt and turned around, only to see Allison shivering on the dirty forest floor. “What are you doing?” he snapped, then caught himself as she narrowed her eyes at him. One thing he’d learned about Allison was that she never responded to yelling well. “I mean, what are you doing, baby?” he tried again, in a nicer tone. Nose in the air, Allison said as stiffly as possible, “I am resting. You run on along, if you want, but I’m gon’ stay her and catch my breath.” Stan could see that the battle was lost; once Allison made up her mind about something, there was no changing it. Accepting defeat, he flopped down beside her. actually no one's a vampire. xD

Asked By: i wrestled a bear once - 11/20/2009
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Haha, that was wonderful. You incorporated really good suspense with humor to make the reading intriguing and really fun at the same time. I love the characterization you were able to fit into this short piece of writing -- you get a good feel for their relationship, even if you don't know what entirely is going on... More
Answered By: Epic Fail - 11/21/2009
Additional Answers (4)
dang that was awersome i wanna read the whole story sent it if u can :)
Answered By: natasha b - 11/20/2009
 
that's awesome *claps loudly* Stan's a vampire, right? and Allison's the cute human, right? oh I'm sorry i didn't know, Stan seems like a vampire-typre-person
Answered By: Juno1225 - 11/21/2009
 
I very much enjoy the opening paragraph. I was drawn in by the suspense of the escape. I would suggest trying to lengthen the beginning of the escape rather then break to Allison's fatigue too soon. But overall it was a good read!
Answered By: Morgan - 11/21/2009
 
It's ok, right off the bat I can say that it is very well written, all it really needs is to be put into present tense to give the reader a sense of real time and some grammatical fixes (the only thing I hate about writing is correcting grammar). However, I'm not sure if you have a very well thought out idea for a... More
Answered By: Spork - 11/21/2009
 
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