Anyone mind reading and giving me feedback on my Admissions letter?

The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey. . I am originally from Southern California. After I graduated high school I moved around doing odd jobs. I remember spending my summer after graduation working in a hot air condition-less sporting goods warehouses. I remember spending 60 hours a week on my feet making bottle caps for Pepsi at a company called Bericap. I even spent time as a janitor for a company called DTP. Those were not found memories but they did help me get by. The first job I had once I moved here to San Antonio was for a temp Agency. My first assignment was a two day labor job at St. Mary’s University. I was one of the guys who were hired to move beds and such for the incoming freshmen. When I was there I marveled at every single thing on campus, everything from the guards walking around to the beautiful antique buildings. St. Mary’s was the first university campus I ever set foot on. I made a pledge to myself that I would do whatever I could to one day attend St. Mary’s University. Once I decided to attend St. Mary’s I had to figure out my course of action. I decided to apply first to Northwest Vista because I felt my high school record was not strong enough to carry me into St. Mary’s. My high school record was not great, In fact it was terrible. I went to three different high schools. I dropped out of the second one for a year. Once I decided I needed to get my high school diploma I was held back for the year I missed. I didn't bother to take the SAT; I don't even know anyone from my high school that did take them. I did receive a $500 dollar scholarship to a community college, so that encouraged me to attend Chaffey Collage while I worked at Bericap. At first everything went great. I went to work at 7pm and my shift ended at 7am. I would then make it to class which started somewhere between 9am-11am, I can’t recall the exact time. At first things were great but after the first few weeks I was tired. My GPA suffered greatly. I dropped out of collage because I couldn't work and attend school. It was one or the other for me. Once I came to San Antonio and decided I wanted to go to Saint Mary’s things started to change. I first had to establish residency to be able to attend Northwest Vista. Once I established residency I tried going to school part time while I work part time. I figured the 12 hour shift I was doing before would be to much for me to handle, but I should be able to handle 30 hours a week. I enrolled at three classes at Northwest Vista. One class did not work out so I ended up with two classes and a part time job. For the first time things seemed to be going great. Towards the end of that semester a close friends passed away. I have known of people that passed away before, but this was the first time I lost someone close to me. I didn't even think about school during that time, I just grabbed my things and flew to California to spent time with her family. I was taking intro to computers and national government at the time. It was too late for me to drop those two classes I was taking. Since I left without telling anyone at school I failed my computer class. I did all the assignments, but they were not due until the end of the semester. I didn't turn anything in and I failed that class. My government class was different. I was doing great in that class but didn't show up for the finals, which brought my grade down to a C. After the death of my close friend I lost track of my goals. I came back to San Antonio and worked on a few more odd jobs. This time I was a janitor in a pharmaceutical bottling plant in downtown San Antonio. My next job was as a security guard at a bank's call center. The last job I had was as door to door salesmen. None of those jobs really satisfied my, although I did learn a lot from them all. I eventually made my way back into Northwest Vista. I came back mentally prepared with my eye on the prize. The prize of course is my pledge to do what I can to attend St. Mary’s. As of today I have taken a total of 14 classes, including one remedial and a student development course. Out of the 12 normal course I have received 10 A's, 2 B's and nothing lower. It’s not the greatest GPA, but it is something I am proud of accomplishing. I am not including the bad semester I had when I dropped out and left for California. At Northwest Vista I wen At Northwest Vista I went from academic probation to honors student. I would be a great asset to your school. I am slightly older then your normal undergrads, but I am experienced. I have been in the workforce. I know what it is like to work 60 hours a week and still struggle to get by. I will go to St. Marys and do the best I can do because I want to be there, not because others expect me to graduate from there.

Asked By: Bailyan - 1/13/2010
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
It's pretty good i enjoyed the parts where you discussed the hardships of having to work so much and how if affected your school work. it does sound like you jump around a bit too much between events and details in your essay though so you might want to make it smoother so that it flows better. Also explain how certain... More
Answered By: djmachineart - 1/14/2010
Additional Answers (0)
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