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Would you read this. I am only 12 and want to know if i am any good or not. Thanks!?

My story is called The 6th graded wars. Here is the 1st Chapter. Chapter 1 Kidnapped. “Does anyone have any shout-outs today?” our principal Patrick said. Hi. My name is Lea. What I tell you is true. You see, this is how North-land Middle School starts it day, every day. Today, it was very different. “We do,” said someone new. I thought it might be some new students in High School, at first, but sadly it wasn’t. I herd about them on the news last night. Vampires. Gee, wonder what they want. “Get the kids. They’re in 6th grade.” Amsome, 6th grade. I’m in that grade maybe I’ll be lucky and get kidnapped! If you don’t already know that I’m joking, well then, you are pretty dumb. I saw one of them take my friend, Jordan, who as talking to Leslie. I then herd screaming and only one person could scream that scream. Destiny. Man, she was kicking and putting up a fight. I ran towards the Exit when I saw David running away too. I ran up to him. “Are any of the boys kidnapped yet?” I asked. I looked behind us to see two vampires running after us. “Yep, Luke and John are. I almost was two but Peter helped me.” He said. We ran out the door and into building 7. “Going somewhere?” I heard behind us. “Great, almost has now become a yes.” David said in a whisper. I was then in the air, kicking and screaming my head off. “Shut Up you little weakling.” Their leader, William, said. “Hey, no one can make fun of me but sometimes John.” I said. Not a good thing to say in front of John himself. . A police man then came in and tried to make them give up. Instead of giving me to someone else, I was thrown into the lockers just to make sure I didn’t run off. I guess I was just that important. You know what I mean? Of cause you don’t because this only happened to me. Anyway, it hurt being thrown against the lockers. My leg was cut and I couldn’t get up. “Lea! Can you hear me?” Destiny said. “I hit my leg not my head, Destiny!” The police officer was down. You guys did a great job on you your plan. “Who are you?” Jordan said. “What do you want from us?” John said. “You deformed chicken!” Luke added. “Really Luke?” I said. He nodded. “Shut up. I’m William. This is my group called the outlaws. I’m not telling you why you six and I am NOT a deformed chicken, you weird little boy.” William proclaimed. Luke calls everyone that, including his best friend. More police men came in at that time. Anyways, my person, I guess, needed back-up because Jordan was then thrown into the lockers. “Jordan!” Destiny screamed. I looked up to see the boys trying to kick the vampire’s heads. FAIL! The police were down and the vampires took that as a time to run away. The boys left 1st then it was Destiny. Jordan and I were left.

Asked By: - 7/2/2010
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I sounds really good, does need some work, but that's okay. It's a really good story line I would love to know more. I'm 14, gonna be a freshman next year, and you wright allot like me and my friends. this is great work, just needs a little polish and it will be ready to go. I do have to say the begging was slightly... More
Answered By: mnm - 7/2/2010
Additional Answers (4)
It's okay, but each time someone speaks use a new paragraph. Also vampires are kinda cliche
Answered By: Daniel - 7/2/2010
 
Have you just started to write? You need some help. I'm 12 too so I'll give you some advice. 1) You need to choose a more original topic. Vampires. Are. Not. Original. 2) Your grammar needs serious help. 3) Your sentences are choppy some comma magic will help you I thought it was okay, but can be better.
Source(s):
Answered By: Ivy Weasley [ Page Turner] ™ - 7/2/2010
 
You seem to have a lot of potential. My tips: read, read, read, and write, write, write. You'll get better and better.
Answered By: knowitallgenius - 7/2/2010
 
Yeah. Ok i'm not trying to sound mean. All i'm doing is telling you what i think... More
Answered By: Razzy - 7/2/2010
 
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