English native, please modify my paragraph?
Dear Madam/Sir, Granted a baccalaureate of science and technique in 2003, I was enrolled by one of the top fifteen Chinese universities - xx University. After four years’ hard working, I obtained my bachelor’s degree of Mechanical Engineering with an excellent result. In autumn 2007, I joined xx Airline Company and began my career life as an aircraft maintenance engineer. My main work is maintaining and servicing aircrafts including the hydraulic system, the mechanical structure, etc. During the three years work, I took advantages of trainings and learning materials offered by the company to know the working principle, the structure, and the engine, etc of aircraft. However, I found the skills that I learned in the university only meet partially the needs of my work, and the training offered by the company is insufficient. Therefore, I make a decision of pursuing a master degree abroad to learn more advanced technologies and to engage in high level jobs in the future. I firstly became interested in France when I was a student of xx University. Since the foundation of the Arcelor-Mittal Metal lab in my university, I realized that France is well known as a giant in industrial field, especially in aeronautics and high speed trains (TGV). Also, there are dozens of worldwide famous enterprises in these areas, such as Airbus, SAFRAN Group, Alstom. Furthermore, N+I program offers us a wide range of famous schools of France, especially in the mechanical field (like ENSAM). This engineering program will not only make me able to resolve technical problems, but also tell me how to lead a group and how to communicate with others. This is also the reason why I choose France. Thirdly, I can also carry out some projects to strengthen my scientific knowledge and to gain some work experience through two interns, and these could be a good chance to put my knowledge and skills into practice. The return of intern experience could be really useful to my studies as well as my future career. Last but not the least, France is well known as a great country with a long history and splendid culture. Her arts, literature, luxury goods and architecture are well known all over the world. Living in this environment will sharp my mind and bring me a wide horizon throughout my life.
Asked By: Yantong - 10/19/2010
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
OK, I re-wrote this for you as if it were I applying for a foreign scholarship. Your text was actually very good for a non-native English speaker. I changed some incorrect grammar and generally tried to take the idea of each sentence and make it smoother. All your data points are retained, and the structure of what... More
Answered By: Buford T. Justice - 10/20/2010
Additional Answers (1)
Dear Madam/Sir... More
Answered By: Maddie - 10/19/2010
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