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How do I find a women's shelter and what is it like in one?

I need to get away from an abusive relationship. I don't have family or friends to stay with. Family won't take me in without having a job. I had to quit my job because my baby was born with a health issue. What happens in a shelter?

Asked By: Mary Posa - 11/9/2010
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Obviously it's going to depend on a lot of factors. I personally found a women's shelter by just looking in the white pages and calling their number - they told me where they were. However, if you live in an area where you don't know the name of any women's groups or shelters, you may have to call someone else to get some advice. You could try asking the police (anonymously, if you don't want to bring their attention), or another agency like social services or a r**e-crisis hotline. Any of them should be capable of giving you the name and/or location of a shelter. Even your local church groups may know of shelters. If you call any agency that starts getting too pushy, just hang up and try someone else. Don't lose faith.

I personally found the whole idea of a shelter very daunting at first - and I certainly didn't feel like I looked or sounded like the sort of woman who might end up in such a place... but the staff at the shelter I went to were great. I had expected a lot of man-hating and judgment, and instead I just met fairly reasonable, kind, considerate people. They asked me a few questions when they sensed that I wanted to talk, but they also left me alone when I clearly wanted to be alone. They have heard ALL of these stories before, so they were pretty good at giving me an intelligent perspective on things. I didn't ever have to give them my name, but they did ask that I didn't contact my partner while I was there or tell him where I was. Obviously, they wanted to keep their location secret, for the sake of the women and children there.

A shelter isn't generally a long-term solution. They're not exactly the Ritz when it comes to comfort, and you may end up having to bunk in with other people if they're really full. Christmastime is apparently the worst time of year. Chores and cooking were shared at my shelter, and often people were happy to look out for other people's kids. Most women only stay one or two nights. Most women end up going back to their partners, even though the staff never advise it. One thing I learned very quickly: there were plenty of women in the world who were far more messed up than I was, and I thought that I was pretty messed up. It helps to keep your head down and not annoy other people, because a lot of the ladies there are emotional wrecks (understandably so). My shelter had a strict ban on alcohol and drugs.

The staff at the shelter should also be able to give you advice on how to cut the financial and emotional ties that tend to keep us in abusive relationships. If you can, try talking to the staff first before you just turn up on their doorstep. It helps to have a sensible escape plan.

Personally, I went there, got away from him for a bit, got really good advice, then went back to him a lot smarter and more prepared. I felt like I needed to give him another chance (stupid, huh?), but at least I went back armed with a bit more perspective on the situation and a better idea that this was not all my fault. I used what I'd learned from the shelter to give him the ultimatums I needed to give him, and then find the strength to leave when he broke them.

It's never easy... you have my full sympathy. But I was a lot better off from the experience of going to the shelter and talking with people who knew what they were looking at.
Answered By: Kim - 11/9/2010
Additional Answers ()
Google it for the area you live, the shelter will help you every way they can.
Answered By: Richard - 11/9/2010
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