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Cornell Uni--Pokemon Arts and Sciences essay--intense critique please?

I'm interested in hearing what I should improve, not whether it is good or not. ;) Please read with the mindset of an admissions officer with several hundred other essays to read (as in is it interesting? I weaved in some Pokemon so I hope it is!). Do let me know if I seem to come off as arrogant, or self-defeating, or any such thing. I'm especially worried I do not spend enough time talking about how the college will help me. This one's not yet finished--any suggestions how to end it? Especially since I need to cut something out to make it fit 500 words... Thanks for your time! College of Arts and Sciences: In 500 words, describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. I could not sleep when I was five. Either my brain was hyperactive and refused to shut down or the stories I invented to occupy those restless hours actually chased away my dreams. Regardless, I could easily have been my Bronx apartment’s security alarm for all the snoozing I did. Back then, my stories were based on my obsession of Pokemon, which had just begun to air in America and was at its prime. Naturally, I was the hero in place of the protagonist Ash Ketchum. Who needed a Pikachu anyway? But even I knew there had to be reasons for why the sidekicks Misti and Brock would agree my solutions to problems were more sensible than those of Ash. I was conducting my own nocturnal studies of human motives to the sound of subway #4, car alarms, and the occasional police siren. Though I no longer have plans of becoming a Pokemon master, my fascination with human nature dominates continues my life. I cannot even let by video games without wondering “How do the good guys in Final Fantasy 7 justify using terrorism to advance their goals?” Fortunately, I started setting my stories down to paper to keep my thoughts collected and my understanding of humanity clear. Unfortunately, I wasn’t satisfied with following just a couple of characters through their lives; I wanted to know their whole world. And there’s only one medium in which hundreds of characters exist without boring an audience: video games. My dream job is to write the storylines and dialogue for video games. On top of that, I want my work to become a reality without losing my intended vision in the translation process: I want to become a programmer too. Thus, I turn to Cornell University’s College of Arts and Sciences. With a degree in computer science and creative writing, both disciplines Cornell University is well-known for, I would become one of the most versatile components to the gaming industry. Furthermore, the university’s Game Design Concentration and the GDIAC would provide hands-on experience that would teach me how to develop and apply my ideas and take my work to the next level right from the start. Cornell affirms a respect for the behemoth industry and goes beyond, coinciding with my belief that video games have massive potential beyond simple entertainment. Cornell applies video games in innovative ways such as Matthew Belmonte’s studies of autism using a space game, the Mario Einaudi Center’s cultural awareness and the Human-Computer Interaction mobile game to reduce mindless eating. Thanks to Cornell’s policy of allowing research outside a student’s department, I too would be able to broaden my horizons for such research. Beyond that, numerous aspects of this college would make me feel at home. The small, diverse liberal arts setting, with one third of the student population multicultural and Cornell’s outreach to women in Women Across Computing at Cornell, I would have little trouble of finding others like me. [insert pwnsome ending here :D]

Asked By: Lola - 11/21/2010
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Okay, I have to say that I was a little suspicious at first, but, WOW, you put in quite a punch at the end. I don't think you know how great the ending was, at least for an admissions counselor... More
Answered By: Dean - 11/21/2010
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