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Can someone help me with my essay?

I need help with the punctuation in my essay please help.........


The reason why I want to join Year Up is that I feel that it will give me the guidance I need to further my self for the future. I believe that Year Up is a good program for me and my peers. The reason why I believe it is a good program is because it was founded to give youth the skills an training they need. To achieve there personal goals and to be confident in furthering there education. I am a good candidate for Year Up because I have many personal values that will contribute to the Year Up program.


Some of my values are achievement, knowledge, and personal commitment. Some personal strength’s that I have are that I’m hard working and motivated. I feel these personal values will contribute to my success as a IT professional.

Achievement is something that we all want to do. One way I feel I have achieved is by graduating from high school and finishing up one semester at Middlesex Community College and taking courses at Bunker Hill Community College. Although while at these schools I was not studying what I wanted to study I felt like it was a way for me to find the true meaning of going to school. The meaning of going to school for me is to study your interest and something you can see your self doing years from now.

Knowledge is something that I have always wish to gain because it gives you power. I always like to stay committed to whatever I am doing. My reasons for going to school are to help me and my family in the future and improve our lives. Helping others I feel is party of my personality. The job I had during high school was working as a youth organizer at Dorchester Bay Economic Development Corporation. Working there gave me the knowledge to work with computers, working in teams, and event planning. It helped us plan and hold two block parties and a youth force summit.

My personal commitment I feel has gotten me to where I am today. I feel that it will continue if I keep looking forward to my future.5 years from now as far as my career I can see myself well into my career as a photographer. I’m hoping to have a associate degree in media art and design. As far as what kind of photography I want do I’m still undecided I want to experience all of the different shooting styles of photography from fashion to landscape before I make my decision. Although I have not decided what shooting style I can see myself working in a studio for a well established magazine company. My future goals will help me complete the Year Up program and continue to achieve.

My personal goals and attributes will contribute to my success in the Year Up program. If I am accepted into Year Up my personal strength ‘s and values will contribute to my achievement and success toward my future goals. wiliness to work hard and having a positive outlook on the future. and interest in Photography and to further my career will contribute to my success at Year Up.

Asked By: Mike - 1/17/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
OK, I'll correct your punctuation, but there are word usage and also spelling errors involved. If you want me to correct those, give me a day and contact me e-mail!


The reason why I want to join Year Up is that I feel that it will give me the guidance I need to further my self for the future.

I believe that Year Up is a good program for me and my peers. The reason why I believe it is a good program is because it was founded to give youth the skills an training they need. To achieve there personal goals and to be confident in furthering there education. I am a good candidate for Year Up because I have many personal values that will contribute to the Year Up program.


Some of my values are achievement, knowledge, and personal commitment.

Some personal strengths ( NO APOSTROPHE ON STRENGTHS) that I have are that I’m hard working and motivated. I feel these personal values will contribute to my success as AN IT professional. (OK I COULDN'T RESIST A WORD USGAE ERROR!) "AN" , NOT "A"

Achievement is something that we all want to do. One way I feel I have achieved is by graduating from high school and finishing up one semester at Middlesex Community College and taking courses at Bunker Hill Community College. Although while at these schools I was not studying what I wanted to study (COMMA) I felt like it was a way for me to find the true meaning of going to school. The meaning of going to school for me is to study your interest and something you can see your self doing years from now.

Knowledge is something that I have always wish to gain because it gives you power. I always like to stay committed to whatever I am doing. My reasons for going to school are to help me and my family in the future and improve our lives. Helping others I feel is party of my personality. The job I had during high school was working as a youth organizer at Dorchester Bay Economic Development Corporation. Working there gave me the knowledge to work with computers, working in teams, and event planning. It helped us plan and hold two block parties and a youth force summit.

My personal commitment I feel has gotten me to where I am today. I feel that it will continue if I keep looking forward to my future.(FIVE) years from now as far as my career I can see myself well into my career as a photographer. I’m hoping to have a associate degree in media art and design. As far as what kind of photography I want do (COMMA) I’m still undecided (PERIOD) I want to experience all of the different shooting styles of photography from fashion to landscape before I make my decision. Although I have not decided what shooting style (COMMA) I can see myself working in a studio for a well established magazine company. My future goals will help me complete the Year Up program and continue to achieve.

My personal goals and attributes will contribute to my success in the Year Up program. If I am accepted into Year Up (COMMA) my personal strength ‘s (GET RID OF APOSTROPHE BEFORE S) and values will contribute to my achievement and success toward my future goals. wiliness (CAPITALIZE AND RE-SPELL WILLINGNESS) to work hard and having a positive outlook on the future. (COMMA, NOT PERIOD) and interest in Photography (DON'T CAPITALIZE PHOTOGRAPHY) and to further my career will contribute to my success at Year Up.
Answered By: Nunya - 1/17/2011
Additional Answers ()
Well, I tried, but there are too many issues in here. Essentially, your grammar is okay (not flawless) but you do not apparently know the difference between homonyms (sound alike, but spelled differently and meaning differently) such as "there," "their," and "there" (and perhaps "your" and "you're," "it's" and "its").

Your main flaw I think--and honestly, I'm trying just to constructively criticize--is that you use words that don't add meaning, you use words that are redundant, and as a result you use TOO MANY words. You repeat certain words too often, like Year Up. There are only so many times you can use words or phrases in an essay without wearing them out.

And you should not say that you want to further yourself (plus, it should be "myself" not "my self"). We all want to "further ourselves." If we go no further, we quickly are planted 6 feet under. You mean, there, I would guess, to say "I plan to further my goals in innovative photography" or "to further my educational aspirations" or something. But it's really meaningless to say you plan to further yourself.

I'm here to help.
You lack specifics. The main specific (working as a youth organizer at Dorchester Bay) is buried as if it is insignificant. I don't know, really, what Year Up is, but I would be willing to run your essay through the red-liner of Microsoft Word, if you could cut and paste and send it to dbarcuri@gmail.com.

Should you choose not to have me help you in this way, I believe that you should, as a bare minimum, refrain from using "reason why" because those two words are redundant: "reason" implies "why." Also, strength's with an apostrophe is, well, not what you mean . . .
Answered By: Denys - 1/17/2011
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