What do you think of this story?

OK so i'm almost 13 and working on a story. Would you tell me what you think of it so far? My eyes fixed on the white dots overhead. Stars. My favorite part of laying in the still summer grass, a gentle breeze blowing though the wind. An owl screeches piercing the silence sending chills though my spine. Slowly my eyes drop shut, closing out my bright twinkling stars. Goodnight. I can fell its warm breath panting on my skin. Its breathing quickens my skin becomes moist with saliva, The breathing changes into a low rumbling growl. Fear tenses my body, my heart races and I peak one eyes open. A black dog. Harmless as it seems I know somehow this beast holds more power than explainable its enormous black paws rest on my chest and it holds its head high. Nose pointed to the now rising sun. Something crinkles in the bushes behind the dog, It looks into my eyes, I look endlessly into its ice blue eyes, they are different almost evan angelic. I stretch upward toward the red sun. I stare endlessly at the pink sky, the occasional bluebird flying across it. White flakes drift down from the heavens , landing lightly on my body. My body heat melts it away. The wind picks up, snow blowing into my face. Shouldn't I be cold? I look down at myself short, boots and a strapless tank top. My jeans have jagged cuts in them and my shirt is tore at the hem. This isn't how I dress. Why are my clothes tore? The more I think about it the more I realize I know nothing. I pull on my pants and walk away trying to leave behind my blank mind. The snow is falling heavier covering the green grass beneath the souls of my feet. Pine trees become white just like the fake Christmas trees I love. I stop and spin around and around before falling silently into the snow. Nothing on my mind, nothing to worry about so I lay there. Lay in the snow, lay in heaven. I awaken to a think blanket of snow covering my thin frame. The snow is stronger then me, it holds me down. Frozen in time, frozen in life. My mind goes blank. The snow crushes me. I fell hopeless, nothing I do affects the snow. Slowly I fell every muscle, organ, cell shutting down. I can sense her presence. She wraps her arms around me, strokes my cheek and whispers into my ear. "Let go Cassandra, fade away, let the snow take over, become one with the Earth. Nothing matters now". Then she's gone, her warm touch and her calming presence. OK the lines that says I don't dress like this and just like the fake Christmas trees I love, should have a line going though them. After about every 3 pages in my notebook i am posting it on here to make sure its good enough and i don't need to redo them

Asked By: Rebecca Hicks - 1/21/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Okay I know I'm not a professional editor of stories or a publisher (although I'm seriously looking at that for a job) but I do read a lot of books... More
Answered By: Mickey - 1/21/2011
Additional Answers (4)
wow i really like it! the reader gets a good look at whats going on.
Answered By: skool girl - 1/21/2011
Wow that is good!!Keep it up
Answered By: Smalltown Girl - 1/21/2011
its really good very descriptive! its soo good for u being 13. thanks for answering mine!
Answered By: Chris - 1/21/2011
i soooo loved it! ur such a talented writer, i can already tell. please send me more, when ever you write!!!
Answered By: ღтσняυℓυνѕкуσღ - 1/21/2011
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