What do you think of my admissions essay?

I am applying into a 2 years RN program what do you think of what I have so far. It's just a rough draft and not finished yet. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Do I need to have an introduction and conclusion with this type of thing? I spent my teenage years in group homes while in CYF’s care. I dropped out of school very young; I didn’t even finish the 9th grade. I attended Pittsburgh Job Corps and obtained my GED by the age of 16 and by the time I was 17 I had convinced the courts that I was capable of taking care of myself and I was then released from CYF’s care, emancipated and considered a legal adult. I spent a couple years working minimum wage jobs but I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere so I signed up for a few classes at the Community College of Allegheny County. Since then I have become a certified nursing assistant and earned an associates degree in General studies. Dropping out of school at such a young age and then attending college and getting to the point where I am today is the biggest accomplishment that I have endured. I did not have anybody pushing me to go to school. I did this because I wanted something better for myself and this experience helped mold me into the determined, hard working individual that I am today. While I was exploring career options and started considering nursing, I decided to take a summer Nursing Assistant class that was offered at CCAC. After I finished the program, I applied and was immediately hired at Manor Care and I then worked on the rehabilitative floors for the next few months as a CNA. These next few months are what made me absolutely sure that I wanted to become a registered nurse. I mostly worked with a nurse named Donna. She greatly inspired me to pursue this career; she was caring, compassionate, and overall an amazing nurse. She enjoyed her job and her residents loved her. I enjoyed working at manor care; I enjoyed being a CNA and helping people in their time of need. I made a difference in people’s lives and I learned a lot in the process. I chose to apply to Ohio Valley General Hospital School of Nursing for a few reasons. One reason is your excellent recommendations from your past nursing students who now work for Highmark. These graduated students had nothing but positive things to say about both the program and the instructors. Another reason I chose OVGHSON is because of the the amount of clinical hours that are offered. The clinical hours offered at OVGHSON are double the amount that is offered at CCAC and I believe that the extra clinical time is extremely important. I also considered the NCLEX pass scores when choosing a nursing school and I was pleased with the NCLEX pass rate at this school in comparison to others that I was researching. After becoming a graduate of OVGHSON I would like to continue my education on a part- time basis and work towards my BSN.

Asked By: terri - 4/11/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Generally well written. The most important character trait for a nurse (or a doctor, for that matter) is caring. That seems to come across in your essay... More
Answered By: roderick_young - 4/11/2011
Additional Answers (2)
Pretty good :) The sentences are a little choppy, but that's no big deal. The only problem I'd say is: DON'T ABBREVIATE. Write everything out...meaning NCLEX, BSN...especially OVGHSON. Everything. The likeliness of the admissions people knowing what that all means is very, very slim. Hope I helped :)
Answered By: Maggy - 4/11/2011
This looks good. The abbreviations are fine. Anyone on the admissions committee at a school of nursing will know what BSN stands for... More
Answered By: Frank - 4/11/2011
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