Can i please get some comments on these?
I'd really love some comments and or criticism (i know ill get some anyway) on this short story and this poem, thanks! Poem: You can look but do you see? Or do you lack the clarity? For untamed heart is beauties soul, And painted truth is liars hold, Everlasting ashes fall, And halo to deception. Speaking of a hidden truth, Knowing not what else to do, Shadows burden moon and stars, Wonder which of what they are. Minds find reasons actions do, And cater hearts protection. Hiding light do eyes assign, What of hatred, What of kind? When faces do define a soul, Haunted sight chase stories told. Truth begins to speak again, And true eyes views awaken. Short Story: Her spirit wandered through rows beyond rows of daffodils’ and lily blooms, Tall grass and forget-me-nots brushed the hem of her white silken gown, Warm breeze danced on her cheeks, and whipped loose hairs strangling for order on the back of her neck. She looked down through the haze of cloud barren sky, blackened with thick rolling smoke rising along with the scent of burning metal and torn rubber. How she got here, she knows not, only that of which she must learn from the scene displayed mirror in the blacks of her eyes. The sound of sirens ringing in the distances, rise to where she rests above the clouds. She watches, as if from eyes of others, as men and women dressed in uniform lift her body, dead weight, into an ambulance, strapping her down, pressing needles to her skin, and an oxygen mask to her face, giving life to her lungs. She sees hope dwindling in their eyes and hers lighten for a moment as well, until the monitor telling the last tale of her life, goes flat. She looks at the world below her as if a part of it once again, taking final recognition of the scene displayed before her. There are others being tended to, cars in wreckage, more heart monitors going flat. The noise is so loud to her, it seems an almost inaudible buzz. She rests beside herself, no one taking notice to the extra body that to them, is not visible, and she then understands what has happened, when as if by chance, the wind drafting in through the open end of the temporary hospital, lifts scents of cigarettes and alcohol to her nose. With eyes wide of understanding, she hangs her head. A tear runs down her cheek and lands on that of hers below her. She knows there is nothing that she can now do, other than take responsibility for the actions in which she has displayed so carelessly, She looks with tears in her eyes, as well as those of others around her, and takes final steps away from the world she once knew. Left to the company of daffodils’, lily blooms, tall grass and forget-me-nots.
Asked By: Arranda - 7/21/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Beautiful job, it makes my mind wonder and contemplate over single words and the spaces in-between
Answered By: Brodius McGrodius - 7/21/2011
Additional Answers (4)
Wow! This really is amazing.
Answered By: Cassidy Ryans - 7/21/2011
Wow, this poem is deep. Great job
Answered By: Wade 550 - 7/21/2011
a great comment for you.
Answered By: Asad Zaman - 7/21/2011
Really super poem have inspired, i really love it!
Answered By: Eva - 7/21/2011
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