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Beginning of my story constructive criticism?

Well the original beginning of my story was a bit too fast in that I jumped right into it. Constructive criticism is happily accepted <3

“Is you’re room clean dear?” Brooke’s mother called up to her.
The girl looked up from her TV and answered, “It will be in a few minutes!”
It was seven o’clock in the morning and an action movie was on and all of a sudden, she got in a James Bond mood. She jumped off of her bed and did a high kick. Hoping to land graciously was a failed attempt as she hit her bed side lamp. She cupped her hands over her mouth to stifle a laugh. “Well I guess I can cross ninja off my list for possible jobs.”
A few seconds later her mother called up again, “What are you doing up there?”
“Cleaning! Dangerous job for my room you know!” She called back.
She went downstairs after getting the broken glass from the bulb off of her floor.
“So have you thought of extracurriculars for this year?” Her mother asked the moment she sat down for cereal.
“Not really. Maybe basketball or soccer again.” She answered quietly.
“You hate soccer.” She said over the table.
“Well what am I expected to do?” Brooke asked already knowing her mother would say something about clubs.
“Look, I want you to take self-defense classes.” Her mother said looking her straight in the eye.
Brooke almost burst out laughing. Like her mother, the most protective person in the world, would let her do anything mildly dangerous.
“You can’t be serious.” Brook said while thinking of this morning’s episode of her kicking the lamp.
“Tomorrow is you’re sixteenth birthday. In two years you will be out on your own with almost no protection.”
“I’m going to school. Bye!”
The day at school was uneventful besides the few almost happy birthdays she got from various students. She couldn’t help but wonder why her mother would want her to take defense lessons. She had nothing to defend herself from.
Soon, the school day was over and she went to soccer practice. A senior girl, Michelle, made her way over to her.
She pointed her nose in the air with her usual arrogance and said, “Don’t think that just because you’re a sophomore now means you’ll be any better at the game or that we’ll take it easier on you.”
She abruptly walked away as Brooke mumbled, “Hello to you too.”
After running and some scrimmaging, the coach disappeared so practice was cut off. Even though it was unlike him to leave them there she didn’t question it because she finally got a day off, even if it was only one out of the three hours that was cut off.
Oh and if you find grammatical errors please tell me. Thanks for reading! BTW: I'm fifteen so don't think I'm some college major who knows everything there is to know about writing.

Asked By: Tori - 7/27/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I'm going to be honest - it needs a lot of work.

If this is the start of your story, then it needs to hook the reader and make them want to read on. The first sentence especially, is important. However, when I read your story, it doesn't interest me as much as it could. The first sentence doesn't grab me and neither does any other part of it. You need to really try to hint _something_ in the first paragraph that suggests something is about to take a dramatic turn in Brooke's life. At the moment, you're just describing a girl going to school and to but it bluntly, it's a bit boring.

This brings me to another point - Brooke herself. Her characterization is not constant. First, you show her mucking around playfully in her room and laughing at herself. You make her seem quite fun, playful and potentially outgoing. Then her mother asks her a question, which she answers 'quietly', hence making her seem slightly withdrawn. After that, having barely sat down at the table where her mum is trying to have a serious conversation with her, she just stands up and leaves, which to me, makes her seem slightly rude and conceited. There is nothing concrete throughout the rest of the excerpt which suggests what she is like as a person - no mention of what sort of things she likes, no mention of her friends, no mention of what she thinks of her classes/teachers. Right from the beginning in your story, you should be showing the reader things about your character, letting them get to know Brooke and making them like her.

There are also quite a few grammatical problems (which, from your additional details, I'm sure you expected), but as I've already given you enough to work on, I won't address them now.

So, what you need to focus on immediately:
1. Add some foreshadowing. Hint that something bad is going to happen.
2. Characterize Brooke.

I've forgive you if you want to bash me over the head right now - I may have been a bit harsh and I know what it feels like when someone gives you an extremely blunt analysis of your work. But I also know how important it is that you change this things. Don't give up - your writing has a lot of work and with practice I'm sure you can be quite a good writer.

EDIT: http://creative-writing-course.thecraftywriter.com/writing-characters/
^That is a site a found on developing characters. I think it would be worth a read. Also, there is a saying I like that I think might help emphasize the point:
"Never let your character eat an apple when he can be eating fried Cheerios."
This just basically means that you should be constantly developing your character. Show Brooke eating something unusual that both makes your writing more interesting and characterizes all at once.
This will also help slow down your writing. Although you said you've made an effort to do this now, it still goes WAY too fast. I mean, she gets up, goes to school and has soccer training all in the space of a few paragraphs. Add in more details, make it interesting and try to stretch it out to at least a chapter :)

Good luck!!
Answered By: Emma - 7/27/2011
Additional Answers ()
-"You're" actually is a contraction of "You are", so your first sentence reads "Is you are bedroom clean?". Make sure you don't mix up those kinds of words. If you are unsure just look on Google.

-Generally it's a bad idea to start with speech, so maybe try and approach your story in a different way.

-I think you could do with more details like what Brooke looks like instead of just jumping from scene to scene with nothing interesting happening.
Answered By: Ɓɛɑʋʈifʋl Ɲiɡɦʈɱɑɾɛ ♥Ɲorwɑʏ♥ - 7/27/2011
I'll give you what I think in 10 words...

Interesting.

Simple.

Descriptive.

Has Potential.

Needs Events.

Use Excitement.

Nice.

Hope that helped :)
Answered By: Pamilpreet Brar - 7/27/2011
When writing sentences where there is dialogue, you use commas, not full stops (periods). For instance, this is incorrect: “Look, I want you to take self-defense classes.” Her mother said looking her straight in the eye. It should be: "Look, I want you to take self-defense classes," her mother said, looking her straight in the eye. Now if you didn't specify that her mother said it, but just put "Her mother looked her straight in the eye," you would include a period at the end of the sentence. But the way you have it is not correct. You seem to do it correctly when the dialogue comes at the end of the sentence (like She abruptly walked away as Brooke mumbled, “Hello to you too.”) but you're not doing it correctly when it's the other way around.

I also think your teen characters do not speak accurately. I know of no teenager who would honestly say, "It will be in a few minutes." That's way too proper for most people, especially teenagers. They would say, "Just a sec," or "In a few minutes," or they would sigh and groan and just ignore it.

You're = you are (you're an alien, you're not going to eat that)
Your = that which belongs to you (your bike, your cat)

Other than the fact that part of it moves quickly without much description or introspection, it's interesting. I'd like to know why Brooke's mother is so adamant on her taking self-defense classes (much like Brooke is curious). Is this a mystery or an action story? Maybe she meets some hot guy at class, hehe.
Answered By: perfectvelvet - 7/27/2011
Great, funny, and clever beginning! Not every story is perfect, and although yours is good, it has allot of flaws.

1. You go way way way way WAY to fast! Slow down and paint some detail into your story. As a reader I felt like I was watching a movie while it was fast-forwording. you went from a movie to a broken lamp to breakfast to school to soccer practice all in a few paragraphs!!! That is not good.

2. You start almost every sentence with just about every bad word to start a sentence with. Words like the, she, and a are words you should only use every once and a while.

3. Your character is very dry. Really not a character at all. She has no spunk or complexities about her at all. This goes back to number one. You need to write more, take your time and explain.

4. You really need to make a big effort to use better grammar. Use some interesting words that spice up the story.

5. Ok last I know i am going to look really mean when i say this but i have to (nothing against you just constructive) Your beginning SUCKS! A beginning is supposed to draw the reader into the story. Excite them, make them go WOW, I want to keep reading! Yours basically is a giant neon sign that says "STAY AWAY! DON'T READ!" Maybe try something like this.......

"The rich smell of Brooke's favorite meal wafted up to her room, encircling her and wrapping her up in a temptation to tear her eyes away from the gunshots and action of the James Bond movie she had randomly picked up that morning, and leap down the stairs to the call of her mothers famous pancakes."

That is the kind of thing you want to start out with. It has detail. It draws the reader in and entices them. On top of that, you already learn things about the character. For example she like pancakes and her mother is a good cook. Now that beginning still is not perfect for example I used "the" at the beginning.

Hope I helped!! :)

Oh and by the way I am not trying to be mean at all. Everything I said was meant to be constructive in every aspect and not mean to hurt anybody feelings.
Answered By: Remo - 7/27/2011
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