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Beginning of my story constructive criticism?

Well the original beginning of my story was a bit too fast in that I jumped right into it. Constructive criticism is happily accepted <3 “Is you’re room clean dear?” Brooke’s mother called up to her. The girl looked up from her TV and answered, “It will be in a few minutes!” It was seven o’clock in the morning and an action movie was on and all of a sudden, she got in a James Bond mood. She jumped off of her bed and did a high kick. Hoping to land graciously was a failed attempt as she hit her bed side lamp. She cupped her hands over her mouth to stifle a laugh. “Well I guess I can cross ninja off my list for possible jobs.” A few seconds later her mother called up again, “What are you doing up there?” “Cleaning! Dangerous job for my room you know!” She called back. She went downstairs after getting the broken glass from the bulb off of her floor. “So have you thought of extracurriculars for this year?” Her mother asked the moment she sat down for cereal. “Not really. Maybe basketball or soccer again.” She answered quietly. “You hate soccer.” She said over the table. “Well what am I expected to do?” Brooke asked already knowing her mother would say something about clubs. “Look, I want you to take self-defense classes.” Her mother said looking her straight in the eye. Brooke almost burst out laughing. Like her mother, the most protective person in the world, would let her do anything mildly dangerous. “You can’t be serious.” Brook said while thinking of this morning’s episode of her kicking the lamp. “Tomorrow is you’re sixteenth birthday. In two years you will be out on your own with almost no protection.” “I’m going to school. Bye!” The day at school was uneventful besides the few almost happy birthdays she got from various students. She couldn’t help but wonder why her mother would want her to take defense lessons. She had nothing to defend herself from. Soon, the school day was over and she went to soccer practice. A senior girl, Michelle, made her way over to her. She pointed her nose in the air with her usual arrogance and said, “Don’t think that just because you’re a sophomore now means you’ll be any better at the game or that we’ll take it easier on you.” She abruptly walked away as Brooke mumbled, “Hello to you too.” After running and some scrimmaging, the coach disappeared so practice was cut off. Even though it was unlike him to leave them there she didn’t question it because she finally got a day off, even if it was only one out of the three hours that was cut off. Oh and if you find grammatical errors please tell me. Thanks for reading! BTW: I'm fifteen so don't think I'm some college major who knows everything there is to know about writing.

Asked By: Tori - 7/27/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I'm going to be honest - it needs a lot of work... More
Answered By: Emma - 7/27/2011
Additional Answers (4)
-"You're" actually is a contraction of "You are", so your first sentence reads "Is you are bedroom clean?". Make sure you don't mix up those kinds of words. If you are unsure just look on Google... More
Answered By: Ɓɛɑʋʈifʋl Ɲiɡɦʈɱɑɾɛ ♥Ɲorwɑʏ♥ - 7/27/2011
 
I'll give you what I think in 10 words... Interesting. Simple. Descriptive. Has Potential. Needs Events. Use Excitement. Nice. Hope that helped :)
Answered By: Pamilpreet Brar - 7/27/2011
 
When writing sentences where there is dialogue, you use commas, not full stops (periods). For instance, this is incorrect: “Look, I want you to take self-defense classes.” Her mother said looking her straight in the eye. It should be: "Look, I want you to take self-defense classes," her mother said, looking her... More
Answered By: perfectvelvet - 7/27/2011
 
Great, funny, and clever beginning! Not every story is perfect, and although yours is good, it has allot of flaws... More
Answered By: Remo - 7/27/2011
 
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