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Would somebody read over my essay draft?

Money is the primary motivation why countless people work around the world to either support their families or their financial issues. When I was five years old, I observed many workers around my community from teachers to doctors. The key to being successful at a job is working hard, because if people work hard, then they will receive an award like a promotion for their dedication. There are some people who are indolent and have no interest for work; these people will never go far in life. No matter where an individual works, they will always encounter three types of workers: Hard-Workers, Slackers, and Mediocre. The Hardworking people have several superb characteristics like, accomplishing a task, responsible, organized, and reliable in a working environment. These people work hard to have a successful life. Many of my neighbourhoods were teachers, doctors, businessmen, and policemen because they put in a lot of effort to their jobs. Many people also get awards for their efforts like either a promotion or an employee of the month. These types of people usually go to work on time or maybe even five or ten minutes early to see what needs to be accomplished. During the day, it rarely happens that they have to be advised to do something twice. When they clean rooms or set-up computers, they do it to the best of their ability and recheck everything to make certain it’s working properly. In addition, they tend to get things done on time and not one second late. Back in 2000 in Surrey British Columbia, one of my neighbours name Jack was a police officer, and he worked really hard to prevent any crimes from drug dealers to robbery happening in his community. I personally talked to Jack about being a police officer because I wanted to be become a police officer back then, and I wanted to know what motivated him to become a police officer. Jack said he liked helping people out, and protecting his neighbours from any crimes occurring. In 2002, received an award for protecting his community, and he has earned respect from other police officers. Slackers are much different than Hardworking people since these people do not care about their jobs, and care about something else like watching television or play video games. They come to work five to ten minutes late without an excuse. They tend to work hard for the first three or four weeks of the job, but once they observe how the system works, their useless. Slackers hardly work from the time scheduled to the time finished. In addition, they do more viewing and squatting, then moving around and assisting others with equipment. These people will never go far in life because they refused to put in effort and dedication to their jobs, and they will not get any awards or promotion for being a slacker. I had not witnessed anyone being a slacker in my neighbourhood, since they all worked really hard at their jobs. There is one person who I remembered name Raj who was a real slacker. I never knew the man, but was a good friend to my parents, and he worked at the fish department with my mother at Superstore. My mother would tell me stories about Raj that he was a slacker, and refused to contribute at work. Raj loved to talk, and he would talk non-stop with other co-workers. After working at the Superstore for nearly a month, Raj was fired from the job, and he even moved away from my neighbourhood which was the last time we saw him. Being a slacker will never get you far in life, but bring you down as a failure. There are some people or workers who are in between hard working and slackers and they are called mediocre. These people sometimes work hard and sometimes they are slackers, so they have no idea what kind of workers they are. When people start working, they first work really hard, and then the next day they refused to do anything at work. These people choose to be either reliable or sluggish depends on their mood. If people are mediocre, then just like the slackers they also will receive no awards or promotion for their lack of contribution for their jobs. There are three types of workers I witnessed when I was growing up from my community: hard working, slackers, and mediocre. I was graceful that I grew up around hard working people and not slackers. I realized that working hard will get me far in life, and get great honours for my effort and involvement at work. Being either a slacker or mediocre will not help me to become successful in life, but working hard will. Many people said that if you work hard at your job, then you get anything in life. Thank You.

Asked By: manpreet - 11/7/2011
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I read it over. It looks and sounds pretty good, but I do have a few suggestions. Don't capitalize words like "slackers" or "hard-workers" because those are not proper nouns. Your thesis is strong, to the point, and seemingly answers the question, but it could be more opinionated. It's okay to give a little hint to... More
Answered By: austin.vojta - 11/7/2011
Additional Answers (4)
Hmm... pretty good overall. Some minor grammar mistakes; focus on word choice as well. If you want to make it a more effective essay, then you can add some examples in each of your points. The introduction can be improved. Try to come up with a hook. As for the conclusion, you should end with a quote to make it... More
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Answered By: roger!!! - 11/7/2011
 
Very nice essay. I believe you mean't neighbors not neighbourhood, in the 2nd paragraph. Also, I'm pretty sure your grateful, not graceful. I'm not correcting you to be mean. I would love for you to get an A+. Truely, those were the ony mistakes I noticed. Best of luck in life, and yes work hard... You will go far :)
Answered By: mindy - 11/7/2011
 
Your writing style is engaging and it has "voice." That's the good news... More
Answered By: San Diego English Tutor - 11/7/2011
 
Third paragraph: You used the wrong there. It should be they're. You put their. They tend to work hard for the first three or four weeks of the job, but once they observe how the system works, they're useless.
Answered By: M - 11/7/2011
 
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