Would this story interest you?
So, I wasn't thinking of trying to get this published because to me it does seem a bit cliche (in the basics), but I wanted to do this to hone my writing skills (and because I just can't get farther in my current story due to a new-found plot hole). I know I give away the ending and all, but I want opinions on the whole thing, not just a blurb. What do you think of it?
Two kids, Jace and Caitlyn, move from the bustling city of New York to the quiet countryside of Massachusetts. This change would lead them to the ride of a life time. As they are settling in, they go to explore the forest in their backyard. Each day they go deeper and deeper. One day, they come across a clearing with two large oak trees in the center. Examining the trees, they find text inscribed on each of the trees. The words, though, make no sense whatsoever. They continue to come to the tree, trying to decode the text. Soon, Jace cracks the code. The message starts on the tree on the right. You read the first word there, then go to the other tree and read the first word on THAT tree. You then continue doing this for the rest of the words. Once they decode the message, they learn it is (basically) saying that these trees are the gateway to another world. Caitlyn assumes that this is some prank placed by another child. They give up on these trees. But they continue to feel the urge to go back. Eventually, they decide to. And upon stepping in the area between both trees, they disappear. It seems as if they are hurtling through space, and then the feeling stops. They reappear in a forest. But not the same forest. Exploring their new surroundings, they find mystical creatures of all kinds. Then, a cloaked figure on a horse comes out of nowhere, chasing them. They try to run, but the horse is obviously too fast, and catches up. The figure takes Jace, but Caitlyn escapes. Caitlyn journeys around this world, and comes along a village. There, a kindly old man explains to her who that man was. He was an attendant for the (tyrant) Queen Livinia. This queen, while ruling this world, also searches for a way out of it and into Earth, so she can take over it, too. (She knows there is one because this world and Earth used to be freely connected, as in anyone could go to either, but then there was a binding put on it so that they are separate). Caitlyn knows her brother is in danger, then, and so she asks the man how she can stop Livinia. He says there is a rebel group in the capital city—Oncore—and they would help her. She journeys to this city and finds the group. Most believe only fighting is the way, but the leader takes her aside and tells her of an old legend. The Great Dragon used to keep the peace in this world. When it died, Livinia took advantage and quickly took the world by storm. There was however, and heir to the Great dragon. And now, Caitlyn must search for him and bring him to stop Livinia. (Fast forward through journey) She finds the dragon, and she convinces him to assemble the others to fight Livinia. Although, Livinia has bribed Jace to get tell her the exit to Earth (she promised him power and wealth), and they are on their way. Finally, near the gateway, the dragons and Livinia’s armies meet up, and begin to fight. Although a small yet powerful group of the queen’s army breaks off, and is approaching the gate. Caitlyn and the new Great Dragon cut them off and try to stop them, but then, the dragon gets injured and the army pushes ahead. Caitlyn then makes a risky move, and asks the dragon to destroy one of the trees. He complies, and the tree burns to the ground, locking in the armies of Livinia. Her armies then begin to fall back, and the dragons get a lead. Luvinia dies in the fight, disbanding the remains of her army. Jace is the only one remaining. Him and Caitlyn have a conversation, and then they’re all “happy-happy.” They then realize that they are closed into this world. I have three ways to go from here:
1.They truly are stuck here, but they become all famous and live “happily ever after.” (Although it’s not really happy, I mean they leave behind family and friends on Earth).
2.The dragons have their own gate on an island controlled by them, (but it’s only accessible by dragons or those who the dragons allow). They leave through this and they go back to Earth.
3.One of them is somehow left behind in the world but the other is set free (using the method of 2). This has a real reason, although it is shrouded in mystery. This would lead to another book describing the following events. By the way, it’s already supposed to be a series, because somebody said it would make a difference if it were just the main plot and then this. It’s not, there’s a lot of stuff going on. That “fast forward journey” thing cuts off a lot.
Which would you prefer? And how is the rest of the story?
Asked By: ❖ ƒαηтαѕтι¢ ❖ - 12/10/2011
Nice job, I love answering your questions. I'm going to start off by saying that I think you should tone down the decoding at the first part because that sort of takes away from the story in my opinion. What if it were in english and it plain out said it was the gateway to another world. You've got to wonder, why would ancient beings carve it onto trees. Are the trees special or aligned in some way? That's for you to decide.
Next is the formulatic "family moves to new home and there is something special" about it blah blah blah. You know what I'm talking about. What if it was at their old home and they just discovered it. I don't know, something to think about anyway.
The names Jace and Caitlyn are eerily similar to Jace and Clary from the City of Bones books. I don't know if you were influenced by that, but you better check it out to make sure you don't copy anything. But overall, as always, I think your names are great — especially Oncore.
The evil queen, Livinia, must have a reason why she is evil and taking over the world and wants to take over earth. I mean, there has to be a reason. There HAS to be. People are made evil, not born evil. It's a fact. Their nature.
You know, I have a great respect for dragons, but also an underlying hate. They are not wise creatures, they're savages that ravage and kill for blood lust. They do not think, they are not like humans, they're not human. Dragons are great, but they shouldn't be used as protectors or peacekeepers, because that's not what they're meant to signify.
Now for the end. I think you should take two, but take the dragons out and make it some other force, like gods. Then have only one sibling go through and the other die on their adventures. I've always found dying heroically or for a good cause to be gritty and true, and I've always felt drained of that in a story, because it never happens. Like when Achilles dies in the Iliad for his loved one, or Hector, it's just real.
Anyway, I love answering your questions so keep on posting. Also, I've always liked your idea with the motley crew of races banding together against the gollems, that has always enamored me.
P.S. I had to write this all over again, so you should feel lucky.
Answered By: Lucipher - 12/10/2011