Is this too boring for a first chapter?
Hello, I am writing a new story and it starts off in a dream, my main character running from aleins and escaping with the help of a stange man and woman. Then it leaves the dream and returns to reality. It is nesesary to show the dream and reality thing. Title- In My Dreams I stared at my barren room. The pale pink wall paper had been peeled away leaving grey patches that were mostly covered with doodles from my childhood. The wardrobe looked so plain without all of my photos of me, my friends and celebrities. My bed was now just a frame and a mattress. That room held a lot of memories. My first words were spoken there, along with my first steps and then all the games I had played. The hours of Doctor Who I had watched, hiding under my duvet from the monsters. I have met people who have the perfect family, a mum and dad who are still with them and will be until the day they die. The people who will have been to a primary school, then an upper school and not had to move half way through. To me they have the perfect life. Well everyone seems to have a better life than me. Nobody ever wants to talk to the little girl with no family. You can’t imagine how many films I have seen showing a girl who is alone at the start and at the end has that Hollywood worthy boyfriend and ten best friends. I mean seriously nothing like that ever happens to people in real life...and certainly not to people like me. Liz burst into my room with Thomas under her arm and Lewis tagging along behind his MP3 player plugged into his ears making him a zombie. "Ready?” She asked me picking a bin liner of clothes up with her spare hand. I could see she was trying to act cheery and was doing a good job. One minor fact she may have forgotten was that me and my brothers were being taken from our childhood home to live with some soppy strangers. It was hard to even pretend to be happy but I forced a smile as I picked up the two remaining bin liners. “Yeah, I suppose so; I followed her out to the black people carrier that was now parked in the place of my dad’s Ferrari. How could she? I thought. It was still unclear to me why I was leaving, my mum was still around she had only gone out to see Harley last night. She stayed over there a lot so it wasn't worrying to me and my brothers she hadn't returned. Our mother wasn't the most organized person, she'd sometimes not wake up for hours and then be sick all over the carpet. It was my job to clean up, and give her the medicine, which always stank but alway made her better, she would stop being grumpy and she'd relax instead. Sometimes it would wake her up and she'd go whizzing off to see Harley or John. The people carrier was very claustrophobic once all our belongings had been piled in; its seats were worn cotton and stunk of, sick, coffee and sweat. We found it hard not to jump right back out, but the fact the doors had child locks on were a rather big problem. Other than the stench, of the car the drive wasn't that bad. It was only half an hour and then we arrived at a pair of steal gates. They opened, to reveal a grand house at the end of a long track, there was a small green sign, it read Welcome to Pinehill house The building was four floors high, and had four cars parked outside. I was amazed at the sight, me Elise Fraser who had grown up on a council estate now in a grand house. Considering the size I presumed there would be staff to cater for our every needs. My room would be the one in the center of the top floor with the big round window seat. The garden looked a bit of a mess, but nothing a new gardener could fix, I thought, maybe we could paint every room a different shade of blue and mine would be a Tardis blue. All the Doctor Who models, posters, books, and DVD's I want. I had great plans for Pinehill, then again doesn't every young child at the sight of a new house. Expecially a big one like Pinehill. ________________________ Please tell me what you think, is it too dull if so what should I add? thanks
Asked By: - 8/16/2012
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
Sorry but starting with a dream is one of those beginnings that is completely overdone and cliche. Plus you're information dumping about the family in the beginning, so it would be beneficial to think up a more interesting hook. Also work on Showing vs. Telling - everything about the bedroom is telling and I think... More
Answered By: Mimsy Borogove - 8/16/2012
Additional Answers (5)
It sounds like your trying to make some parts of the house sound dull IMO. In that account, yes the imagery is dull in the beginning, but it's a good starting point if you ask me.
Answered By: Archer - 8/16/2012
I'm not even going to read it. If it fits inside your question's description box, it's not nearly long enough to be a first chapter and absolutely requires some more detail and some thorough editing.
Answered By: Briar - 8/16/2012
I don't get the point, at all... More
Answered By: jesusfreak3214 - 8/16/2012
I think it's a bit on the boring side. I read almost to the end, but didn't finish it because I lost interest, and what I did read, I did skip some of it. You need to add some conflict or tension there. Create questions that readers will want to know the answer to. That's one way to keep them reading... More
Answered By: Joss - 8/16/2012
No, but I am heartily sick of first person teenage girls weeping about their lives... More
Answered By: Smells like New Screen Names - 8/16/2012
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