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What needs editing on my second NROTC essay?

I'm writing 2 essays for a Naval scholarship, and I am looking for some feedback. This is the second one. Any editing tips and suggestions, whether grammatical or idea-wise, would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you!! How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service? I come from a family background that has instilled in me a diverse range of values and morals. As the oldest of four boys, raised in a blue-collar, household, my father instilled in me the values of hard work, responsibility, a strong moral character, and self-reliance through example. My mother instilled in me an interest in and appreciation for languages and world cultures, and continues to sharpen my critical reflection skills through discussion of politics, particularly as they relate to social justice. (Say why this would enhance the Navy) When I turned 16, I left my home in Essex for a tiny, poverty-stricken village in the Guatemalan Highlands to stay with a family friend. I financed my trip with money I saved for two years, dishwashing and bussing tables at a restaurant in town. I went completely alone, and despite my parent’s last-minute doubts, I was determined to go. For a month straight, I remained with strangers, had to speak Spanish 100% of the time, all while being 2000 miles away from home. This shows that not only do I have ability to face uncertainty without being overcome by fear, but also I am also self-reliant and ambitious. (Say why this would enhance the Navy) I have devoted much time to extracurriculars that have been very important to me, most significant of which have been my volunteer efforts. My dedication to serving people regardless of race, orientation, and socio-economic background has played a major part of my high school career. For me, serving others is not a self-serving endeavor but a genuine expression of my character. (Say why this would enhance the Navy) While I may not be class president, I have directed and instructed groups of people in many situations. At my part-time job, I have trained several employees and assured that they performed their job properly. Also, as Elected Treasurer of the Robotics team, I have organized many fundraisers that have required me to direct others to assure the success of the operation. I have acted as a Teacher’s Assistant to the choral director, leading the school chorus in extensive vocal warm-ups in the case of her tardiness or absence. Lastly, my years of tutoring have given me the teaching skills needed to lead those in my command. Lastly, I am a motivated self-starter. Last year, I was dissatisfied to learn that I would not be able to take an AP Biology class because it did not fit in my schedule. Instead of accepting defeat, I decided to enroll in a Biology course at a local university. Because of this, I will be qualified to take the Advanced Placement Biology class at the end of this year. My eagerness to begin my career has also driven me to apply for an internship at a hospital, which I will be starting this spring. (SOMETHING HERE NEEDS TO BE CUT, IT’S A BIT TOO LONG) The length requirement is 2500 characters long. It only goes over by about 200 characters.

Asked By: - 1/21/2013
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I'm too tired to do anything but offer a few suggestions... More
Answered By: Tom - 1/22/2013
Additional Answers (1)
Well this paper can be made a lot shorter (and a lot stronger) than it is... More
Answered By: John Jeremy - 1/21/2013
 
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