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How is my first chapter so far?

What do you guys think? Honesty please =) As soon as that ice cold water hit my face, david took off running, knowing he only had a split second before I fell out of bed and chased his sorry butt down. That’s what little brothers are for, right? To annoy the living hell out of you. The only problem with that statement is that my job is to pay him back, twice as much. After chaseing david down the stairs and outside, he ran what it seemed like half a mile before I finally caught up to him to get my pay back. After we were through wrestling in our neighbors freshly cut front lawn, the only damage was A couple of bruises and my half wet head. It only took us a second to realize that we were not only in our neighbors yard, but we also failed to realize that we were in our boxers to. “You know Paul, it was only A glass of water…”. David said, busting out with laughter right after he gave me that “I got you good” grin. I couldn’t help but to laugh along with him. “Yea well, Ill be sure to return the favor next time.” After punching david on his arm, I took off running back to the house, him trailing not to far behind. Once we reached the front door, catching up our breathe, our mother was losing hers. “What is the matter with you two boys! Running down the street in your underwear, like you were 5 years old!” Our mother hissed out at us, meaning me, while we were still standing outside. “Paul, your 18 years old. You already stay gone the entire weekend, doing God knows what! Do you what to lose your scholarship, all because you can’t stand to act your age?” I stood still, pretending to listen to my mom so she would eventually shut up. She looked at me for a few seconds, before noticing that we were still standing outside, embarrassing her. She flung the door open, and we followed her inside and ran upstairs to get ready for school. Tuesday mornings are always better than Mondays. While holding my pop tart in one hand, I slammed my truck door with the other. “It would be nice to just for once, not have to run to class.” David said, as he put his seat belt on like he always did, preparing for my nascar racing driving style. “You don’t have to be such A good boy all the time, David. Doesn’t it get old?.” I turned to him, with a sideways grin. David just starred off into the distance, I could tell he was thinking again, which I hated. I turned the radio on, trying to avoid his opinions. “ Paul, do you ever think that your lifestyle really has no…purpose?” David could tell by looking at my face that his question made me angry. “Don’t start with that crap already this morning,” I blurted out. David heard what I had said to him, and was quiete for a few minutes before trying to ruin my day again with his fantasy life. “God has A purpose for you Paul, just like he does for me.” I rolled my eyes, letting his words go into the air, unnoticed. David hasn’t always been this crazy, like he is now. He used to be fun actually. He use to hang out with me and do things that I did, he wasn’t as boring like he is now. Now all he does is talk…and talk. And not about cool things, like parties and girls, but about his God. Sure, he is still my little brother, but its like he really isn’t. Its Like he is still in my cool little brothers body, but his whole attitude has just vanished. He just isn’t any fun anymore.

Asked By: Paige - 4/29/2013
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
In the beginning you do a bit of head hopping. How does she know that David knew he only had a split second... More
Answered By: Kia - 4/29/2013
Additional Answers (3)
Always capitalize David. Come on now, that should be a rule. Other than that, your story reads like it's a teenager talking on the phone. It's scattered and confused as if you are making it up as you go. First drafts are not for posting for critique.
Answered By: David - 4/29/2013
 
Boring. Nothing happening.
Answered By: Misty - 4/29/2013
 
This needs editing for spelling and grammar errors. To be honest most of them would be picked up if you just ran this through MS Word and used the spell/grammar checker on there... More
Answered By: ▪веаυτіfυι піgнтmагє▪ - 4/29/2013
 
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